Am I trying to get out of this world?

 'Is it possible that I was the only one who didn’t see it? Could it be that others already know and enjoy something that only I do not know?’ I have a lot of curiosity to see and know. 

 I went to an art fair. A friend walking next to me asked. 

“Have you seen Leonardo DiCaprio? He's very frugal and doesn't seem like a famous actor. "where? I didn’t see him.” 

“You just passed by. That man over there with his head down wearing that black hat.” 

“Ah, you should've told me earlier. Did you see it alone? It is too bad.” 

 I do not pass by when I see a long line while walking down the street. Go to the back row and ask the person in front of me. "What's the line?" Even When reading a book, I googled all the music, places, and pictures mentioned in the book to sympathize with the main character. I also look for and read other books by the author. 

 A friend suggested that we eat and play in Fort Lee. A woman I don't know will come from Manhattan like me, and she says comes by ferry. 'How is she taking the ferry from Manhattan to Fort Lee, New Jersey?' I enjoy cruising the waterfront, how come I didn't know how to get to Fort Lee by ferry. Out of curiosity, I googled it. 

 There are many ferries from Manhattan to New Jersey. But the Fort Lee is not. The price of the New jersey ferry is not cheap. That's strange. She lived in England and came here. Can she get on a discount price as a diplomat? Or does she bring a car on the ferry? I was exhausted from Googling, and sleep. The thought flashed in my mind, so I woke up and repeated my imagination. The day dawned. I am so curious, I asked her as soon as I met her. 

“How are you coming by ferry?” 

"From West 39th Street in Manhattan, take the ferry to Weehawken (Port Imperial. From Midtown W.39 St to Weehawken) and take an Uber. I come to New Jersey once, I spend $50." 

 It's strange that it costs less than $5 if you take the A-train from Manhattan, get off at 175th Street, and take the NJ Transit bus to New Jersey. Is subway rides dangerous these days? Am I the only one who takes the subway? Another question arose, and the question continued. She said that she had just lived in New York and did not know how to come to New Jersey, so she took a ferry near her house. I was curious about something that wasn't a big deal, so I imagined it too far and deep, and then I lost my sleep! 

 I often get tired of myself because I can't get away with it when I'm curious. While reading a book, the book page does not go over quickly because it deviates from the focus of the book and expands it extensively to investigate the author, the psychological investigation of the main character, and find the background and history. When a teacher asks a question at a book club, I can't answer in exact color as if I was looking down at the earth from space, I stammer with a grayish answer. I guess It seems that the time to leave Earth is slowly approaching.

누울 자리 봐 가며 발 뻗는다고

 좁은 길가 맞은편 커튼이 없는 창가에 젊은 남자가 침대에 누워있다. 이불에 둘둘 말린 채 얼굴만 내놓고 잔다. 하얀 이불처럼 얼굴도 무척이나 희다. 어찌나 나의 작은 아들과 자는 모습이 같은지! 늦잠 자는 아이에게 일어나라고 소리 지르다가 봤던 모습이다. 정오가 되어서야 일어난 남자는 창가에 누워 컴퓨터를 보고 있다. 밥은 먹고 다시 누운 것인지? 낮과 밤이 바뀐 직장에 근무하는지? 궁금하다. 

 나도 어릴 때, 늦게까지 잤다. 깨었어도 자는 척 누워있곤 했다. 

“앞으로 어찌 살려고 이리 게으르냐.” 

엄마는 늘 혀를 차며 벽을 바라보고 누워있는 내 등을 어루만지곤 했다. 공부 못해도 좋으니 아프지만 말라고 잔소리는 하지 않았다. 

 남편 닮은 큰아이는 몸이 욱신거리는지 가만히 있지 못하고 뭐든지 찾아서 움직인다. 나를 닮은 작은 아이는 태동도 없더니 태어나서도 조용하다. 학교 갈 시간이 거의 돼서야 간신히 일어났다. 내가 친정엄마를 힘들게 했던 짓을 아이가 그대로 했다. 집에서는 늘 누워 있었다. 왜 누워만 있냐고 물어보면 생각 중이란다. 어쩌면 말하는 것도 나와 똑같은지 나도 생각 중이라며 엄마에게 방해하지 말라고 했다. 

 저러다가 제구실이나 할 수 있을지? 잔소리 해봤자 아이와 사이만 틀어질 것 같아 조바심쳤다. 내 눈에 띄지 않게 아이를 14살 때부터 해외로 봉사활동과 썸머스쿨을 보냈다. 대학에 가서도 거의 매 학기마다 해외 학교(abroad schools)로 보냈다. 늦든 말든 상관하지 않으니 마음이 편했다. 학교를 졸업하고도 일본에서 3년 직장 다니다가 돌아왔다. 아이가 뉴욕으로 돌아오기 전, 다 큰 아이들을 옆에 끼고 잔소리하는 것이 서로에게 부담스러워 내가 맨해튼으로 분가했다. 그것이 약효를 발휘했나? 

 나를 애태우던 아이가 대학도 가고 직장도 잡고 비행기 시간도 놓치지 않고 여행도 하고 운동도 다니고 개도 끌고 다닌다. 데이트만 하고 걸프랜드는 만들지 않는다. 여자들 비위 맞추기 귀찮아서란다. 

 서부와 동부 시간 차이로 아침 11시에 시작하는 샌프란시스코와 산호세에 있는 직장을 잡아, 뉴욕에 살며 재택 근무한다. 

“너 그렇게 조금 일하고 돈 너무 많이 받는 것 아니냐?” 

“내가 해야 할 일은 잘하고 있어요. 캘리포니아가 주 4일 근무제 도입되면 금요일도 일하지 않아요. 조금 일하고 많이 버는 직장이 좋잖아요.” 

 신기하다. 그렇게 누워 뭉개기만 하더니. 할 일 다 하고 뭉갰나? 우리 엄마도 하늘나라에서 새벽부터 일어나 이웃집 창 안을 들여다보며 오지랖 떠는 나를 보면 신기해하겠지. ‘누울 자리 봐 가며 발 뻗는다.’고 부모 떠나 살려니 부지런들 해질 수밖에 없었나 보다.

Stretch my legs after examining the place to lie down

 A young man is lying on the bed by the window without curtains across the narrow street. He sleeps with only his face exposed, curled up in a blanket. Like a white blanket, his face is very white. How he sleeps looks like my younger son! This is the image that I saw while I was shouting to wake up him who overslept. The man who woke up around noon is lying by the window and looking at the computer. Did he eats and lies down again? Does he have a job where he works at night? I'm curious. 

 When I was young, I woke up late. I used to lie down pretending to be asleep even when I woke up. 

“How can you live that you are so lazy in the future?” 

My mother would always kick her tongue and caress my back. She didn't nag me and said 

"it's okay even if you're not good at studying, please don't get sick." 

 The eldest son, who looks like my husband, cannot stay still and finds anything to do. The younger son who looks like me has no fetal movement and is quiet even after birth. He barely woke up until it was time to go to school. He did exactly what I did to my mother. At home, he was always lying down. If I ask him why you're lying down, he said I'm thinking. I did the same thing to my mom, 'do not disturb me because I am thinking.' 

 'Will he be able to do his job and live in the future?' I was nervous because I thought that nagging would only make him worse. I sent him abroad for volunteer work and summer school from the age of 14. Even going to college, I sent him almost every semester to overseas schools. I felt at ease because I didn't care whether it was late or not. After graduating from school, he worked in Japan for three years. Before he return to New York, I moved to Manhattan because it was burdensome for each other to nag the grown son. Did it work? 

 The son who I was anxious him graduated college, gets a job, doesn't miss the flight time, travels, exercises, and takes a walk with his dog. He only dates and doesn't make girlfriends. He said, 

"It's because I'm too lazy to please women. 

 He lives and works from home in New York, taking jobs in San Francisco and San Jose. Work starts at 11 am eastern time. 

“Aren’t you working so little and getting paid too much?” 

“I'm doing well what I have to do. If California introduces a four-day workweek, it doesn't even work on Fridays. It's good to have a job where I work a little and earn a lot." 

 It's amazing. Was he lying down after he has done everything he has to do? If my late mom would be amazed to see me waking up early and looking into the window of neighbors and minding other people's business. It was just like stretching my legs after examining the place to lie down, I had no choice but to be diligent in living apart from my parents.

도시락 여행

 비가 곧 떨어질 듯 어두운 먹구름이 하늘을 가린 날이다. 뉴욕 턱시도 팍 호숫가에서 친구와 도시락을 먹으며 시시덕거리던 장면이 떠올랐다. 하늘을 보고 피식 웃는 내 얼굴에 빗방울이 떨어진다. 

 친구와 나는 뉴욕시를 벗어날 때마다 도시락을 먹고 싶으면 싸고, 귀찮으면 빈손으로 간다. 서로 요깃거리를 장만할지 말지 말하지 않는다. 그러다 보니 도시락이 4개 그리고 와인 안주 2개, 토탈 6통이 겹칠 때가 있었다. 친구는 보온 통에 따뜻한 야채수프를 가져왔다. 시간에 쫓겼는지 감자가 서걱서걱 씹혔다. 그 서걱거리는 감자가 어찌나 맛있던지. 

 “조그만 여자가 오지게도 많이 먹네.” 

게걸스럽게 먹다가 친구 말에 아쉬운 듯 젓가락을 내려놓으며 

“나 이렇게 야외에서 먹는 즐거움에 놀러 다니나 봐.” 

먹을 때는 몰랐는데 도를 넘은 것 같다. 소화를 시키지 못해 꺽꺽댈 불안감이 엄습한다. 고만 먹어야지 하면서도 계속 넣고 계속 들어간다. 목구멍에서 신물이 올라온다. 뱃가죽 늘어지는 통증이 왔다. 허리선이 드럼통처럼 일자가 되려고 한다. 

 집 밖에서 먹는 맛이 너무 맛있다는 것이 문제다. 게다가 차 뒤에 와인을 싣고 다니며 곁들이니 그야말로 금상첨화다. 종이컵에 와인을 담아 뚜껑을 덮고 커피 마시듯 마시며 낯선 마을을 기웃거린다. 도시에서는 볼 수 없는 나무 전봇대를 끌어안고 우리는 수다를 떤다. 

 “우리 기차 타고 갔던 곳이 어디였지?” 

“어디?” 

“기차 떠날 시간이 많이 남은 줄 알고 역전에서 도시락 펼쳐 놓고 먹었잖아. 놀라서 뚜껑 덮어 싸 들고 뛰었던 곳.” 

“아! 폽킵시(Poughkeepsie).” “

"오래전 남편과 캐나다에 갔다 오다가 국경 검문소에서 캐나다에 뭐 하러 갔다가 오느냐고 물었어. 

'점심 먹고 오는데요.'

했더니 검문하는 사람이 웃으며 즐거운 여행하라던 기억이 나네. 그때 우리 정말 국경 넘어갔다가 점심만 먹고 왔어. 금강산도 식후경이라고 여행하면서 본 것은 기억나지 않고 먹은 것만 기억나.” 

 나는 먹었던 장면을 말해야 갔던 장소를 기억한다. 그렇지 않으면 거기가 거기다. 다 그렇고 그래서 그 많은 장소를 기억하기 쉽지 않다. 친구와 도시락 까먹고 놀다 보니 2022년도 화살처럼 내가 모르는 어디론가 부지런히 날아간다.

The lunch box trip

 It is a day when dark clouds cover the sky as if it is going to rain soon. I remembered a scene where I was chatting with my friend over lunch at Lake in Tuxedo Park, Upstate New York. Raindrops are falling on my face smilingly looking at the sky. 

 Whenever my friend and I leave New York City, if we want to eat a packed lunch, prepare it, or go empty-handed if it bothers us. We don't tell each other whether or not to bring a meal. As a result, there were times when there were 4 lunch boxes, 2 wine snacks, and a total of 6 lunch boxes overlapped. My friend brought warm vegetable soup in a thermos. as if she was running out of time, the potatoes are undercooked. How delicious those crunching potatoes were. 

 “A small woman eats a lot.” 

While I was eating greedily, my friend told me. I put down my chopsticks as if I was sorry to eat too much. 

"I guess I'm hanging out with the joy of eating outdoors." 

I didn't feel when I was eating, but I think I ate too much. Anxiety about being unable to digest it overwhelms me. Stomach acid rises from the throat. The waistline is going to be straight like a drum. 

 The problem is that eating outside tastes so good. Besides, carrying wine in the back of the car is a real bonus. Put wine in a paper cup, cover it with a lid, drink like coffee, and snoop around an unfamiliar village. We chat while hugging a wooden power pole that we can't see in the city. “Where did we go on our train?” 

"where?" 

"We thought we had a lot of time for the train, so we spread out our lunch box at the station and ate it. We saw a train that was about to leave while eating. The place where we ran to the train in surprise." 

"Oh! Poughkeepsie." 

 "I went to Canada with my husband a long time ago and asked us why we had gone to Canada at the border checkpoint." "We went to Canada for lunch." I remember the check-in person smiling and telling us to have a good trip. We really crossed the border and only had lunch. I don't remember what I saw while traveling, but I only remember eating it." 

 I remember the place where I visited are should tell the scene where I ate. Otherwise, it's not easy to remember so many places. While we ate lunch box with my friend, 2022 years is diligently fly somewhere I don't know like an arrow.

묵언 습관

“존재감을 좀 드러내야지. 왜 그렇게 말이 없어요.” 

지인이 나에게 말했다. 들어낼 존재감도 없거니와 그냥 입 벌리기가 싫다. 그런데 왜 존재감도 없는 내가 예전엔 그리 떠들었을까? 

 언젠가부터 입 벌리기 귀찮아졌다. 게다가 묵언 수행까지 하려고 폼 잡고 있다. 묵언 수행이라기보다는 묵언 준비, 묵언 연습, 묵언 번뇌라고 말하는 것이 더 낫겠다. 팬더믹이 끝나 사람들과 만나기 전에 묵언 습관을 들이고 싶어서다. 

 오래전, 뉴욕시에서 3시간가량 알바니 가는 곳에서 며칠 묵고 왔던 원 달마센터가 생각났다. 그곳 규칙에 따라 첫날부터 ‘노블 사일런스 (noble silence)’를 시작했다. 입을 다물자 눈이 활짝 트이고 멀리 녹음이 우거진 숲이 가까이 와 있었다. 귀가 열리며 풀벌레들의 울음소리가 오케스트라의 다양한 악기 연주처럼 들렸다. 

 유튜브에 ‘묵언 수행’을 찾았다. 말을 하지 않는 것이 아니라, 말을 줄이고 귀를 열어 상대방 이야기에 경청하라는 것이다. 그런데 나는 일단 입을 다무는 습관부터 들여야 할 것 같다. 그렇지 않아도 몇 년 전부터 말이 줄긴 줄었다. 줄이려고 했다기보다 말을 많이 하면 목이 아프다가 감기에 걸려 벌을 받은 듯 며칠 앓았기 때문이다. 말수는 조금 줄었지만, 귀는 여전히 열리지 않았다. 

 남자 대학 동기에게 전화가 왔다. 

“내가 누군지 기억나?” 

이름은 기억나지 않지만, 목소리는 금방 기억났다. 너무 반가워 나의 긴 수다가 펼쳐지려는 순간 

“우리 만나서 얘기하면 안 될까?” 

“왜? 지금 전화로 조금만 더 얘기하고 싶은데요.” 

“좀 그래서.” 마음 편히 오랜 시간 이야기하고 싶었다. 우리 집으로 다음날 오라고 했다. 부인과 함께 나타났다. 인생에서 너무도 짧은 만남이었건만 서로의 형편을 다 알기라도 하는 듯 반가웠다. 

 복학생이라 나보다 서너 살은 많았지만, 귀가 잘 들리지 않아서 전화 통화가 불가능했단다. 내가 소리높여 이야기해도 듣지 못했는지 부인이 통역하듯 그에게 속삭였다. 몸이 좋지 않아 술도 못 마신단다. 이가 성치 않아 고기 씹기도 쉽지 않다고 했다. 기억이 희미해져 친구들 이름이 가물가물 생각나지 않아 대화가 잘 이어지지 않았다. 만나기 전 기대감이 슬금슬금 빠지면서 맥이 풀렸다. 서글펐다. 

 그 대학 동기가 생각날 때마다 수다도 건강할 때 할 수 있는 것이라고 변명하며 계속 그냥 수다 떨까? 지난 2년 남짓 팬데믹이 우리 일상에 가져다준 삶의 변화로 사람과의 대면과 대화가 사라지는 사회적 몽환 상태에서 굳이 묵언이 필요할까? 생각하다가 그래도 그건 아니지. 묵언 수행까지는 아니더라도 묵언 습관은 들이자며 나 자신을 다독인다.

The habit of silence

“You have to show your presence. Why are you so silent?” 

An acquaintance asked me. I don't even have the presence to show it up, and I just don't want to open my mouth. But why did I, who had no presence, talk so much in the past? 

 I've been lazy to open my mouth at some point. In addition, I am trying to meditate in silence. It would be better to say that it is preparation for silence, practice silence, and anguish of silence. This is because I want to make a habit of silence before meeting people after the pandemic. 

 A long time ago, I remembered the Won Dharma Center, where I stayed for a few days. According to the rules there, I started 'noble silence' from the first day. When I shut my mouth, my eyes opened wide and a lush green forest was close in the distance. The ears opened and the grass bugs' cries sounded like playing various instruments in the orchestra. 

 I found 'meditating silence' on YouTube. It's not about not talking, it's about speaking less and opening your ears to listen to what the other person is saying. But I guess I'll have to get into the habit of keeping my mouth shut first. Even if not, there has been less talk since a few years ago. Rather than trying to reduce it, it was because I had a sore throat when I talked a lot, and then caught a cold and was ill for a few days as if I was punished. The number of words decreased a little, but the ears still didn't open. 

 I got a call from my male college classmate. 

"Do you remember who I am?" 

I don't remember the name, but I remembered the voice immediately. I was very glad to hear from him. The moment my long chat was about to unfold, 

"Can't we meet and talk?" 

"Why? I'd like to talk a little more on the phone now.” 

"A bit like that." 

I wanted to talk for a long time comfortably. I told him to come to my house the next day. He showed up with his wife. It was such a short meeting in my life, but I was glad as if we knew each other's circumstances. 

 He was a returning student, so he was three or four years older than me. He said that he couldn't talk on the phone because he couldn't hear me well. Even though I spoke loudly, his wife whispered to him as if interpreting, because the classmate can't hear me. He can't even drink because he is not feeling well. He said it was not easy to chew meat because his teeth were not strong. The conversation didn't continue well because has a dim memory he couldn't remember the names of our friends. Before the meeting, expectations crept away. The pulse was relived and lost interest. I felt very sad. 

 Whenever I think of the college mate, should I just keep chatting, making excuses that chatter is something I can do when I'm healthy? Is silence meditation really necessary in a social dream state where face-to-face, conversation with people disappears due to the changes in life that the pandemic has brought to our daily lives over the past two years? While thinking about it, I comfort myself by saying, 'but that's not true. Even if I don't meditate silence, let's make a habit of silence.’