Why don’t you answer 'yes, no' clearl

Since when did I live with the word "just" in my mouth?

Though not very reluctant, an acquaintance that suffered from business and exhausted from conflict with her husband asked to go on a trip together. I couldn't ignore that she was to go alone. I called the travel Korean agency. The agency recommended the VIP package.

She and I stopped by the travel agency on our way to Flushing. I tried to pay with my credit card, but they want me pay it with cash or check. Even if a few dollars, I always pay credit card. So, I had an argument with the staff and just came out.

Looking wistfully at the falling rain, the acquaintance took out a cigarette and bit it. She was flattering cigarette smoke from the dark, chilly parking lot. Seeing her sad made me feel a little bit bitter, but I just came home.

"It is too bad to cancel the trip,” she said by phone. This time, I should have definitely turned down the acquaintance's request. But I thought I'd just have to go, so I called the same travel agency and asked them why not accept a credit card, they get it. Why are they doing this and that?

Anyway, we went on a trip after many twists and turns. As you will figure out if you many times traveling Europe, doesn't feel new, almost the same as a church pilgrimage. In addition, it was a trip to Eastern Europe in the short winter, so everything just went sassy.

The acquaintance wanted to have a drink and have fun with people at the bar every evening in the excitement of leaving the troublesome work behind. On the contrary, my habit of going to bed early and getting up early just started from some time ago when I was traveling. It is because I am always afraid that I might get sick during the trip.

I don't put any seriousness on the journey itself, leaving home and doing with someone, except for going to bed early. I was constantly 'ok, do as you please.' at her request. I just nodded without consistency.

The acquaintance that was angry at my indecisive attitude finally exploded. She shouted that I didn't answer 'yes, no' clearly and just repeated, 'do as you like.' Oh my gosh! It's a surprise! I should have refused when she asked me to travel with her.

그때, 그 남자

이야기의 시작은 심심풀이로 구글을 슬쩍 들여다보다 시작됐다.

언제였더라? 몹시 추운 크리스마스이브, 친구들과 신나게 놀았다. 다음 날 남자를 소개해 준다는 친구를 따라 종로에 있는 엘파소 다방에 갔다. 그러니까 그날이 크리스마스였다.

반듯하면서도 놀 줄도 알 것 같은 세련된 남자가 먼저와 무게 잡고 앉아 있었다. 무표정으로 내뱉은 나지막하면서도 선명한 매력적인 그의 목소리, 기타도 잘 치고 노래도 잘한다고 친구가 귀띔했다.

시큰둥한 그의 반응으로 별 기대하지 않았지만, 다시 만나자고 연락이 왔다. 신이 나서 달려갔다. 그러나 그의 태도는 그리 밝지 않았다. 아무리 내가 좋아해도 나를 별로로 생각하는 사람에게 나 또한 미련 없다. 우리의 만남은 부드럽게 이어지지 않다가 끊겼다.  

겨울도 가고 봄도 거의 지난 어느 날 그에게 뜻밖에 전화가 왔다. 하늘하늘한 원피스에 스웨터를 걸치고 봄바람에 이끌려 나갔다. 그러나 몇 번을 만나다 다시 끊겼다. 여름 그리고 다시 봄 어느 날 갑자기 연락이 또 왔다. 소개해 준 친구 말로는 교회에서 만난 여자와 사귀다 깨졌다나.

‘오는 사람 막지 말고 가는 사람 붙잡지 않는다.’

는 내 연애 철학이 그를 거부하지 않았다. 역시 그는 또 사라졌고 그런 그의 우유부단한 태도에 열 올리지 않았다. 

‘만나게 되면 보고 연락이 끊기면 안 보면 되지 뭐.’ 

그의 친구들과 내 친구들이 함께 어울리기도 했었는데 과연 그에게 나는 뭐였었나?

나는 습관처럼 기다리다 그가 더는 닿을 수 없는 먼 미국으로 떠났다.

제대로 데이트도 못 하고 세월만 보낸 만남이 궁금했다. 그는 과연 어떤 모습으로 살고 있을까? 혹시나 해서 구글링했다. ‘오마이 갓’ 유명 목사가 되어 큰 교회에서 설교하는 모습이 떴다. 잘생긴 모습은 세월에 묻혀 머리는 벗어지고 몸은 부풀고. 그러고 보니 목사 사모 감을 찾느라 나와의 데이트를 소홀했었나 보다! 착각일지 모르지만.

목사 사모 감으로 내가 부족했나 보지! 나도 아니다. 전혀 해당 사항 무다. 나처럼 자기밖에 모르고 내 일에 빠져 사는 여자는 절대로 그런 직위와는 거리가 멀다. 그가 나를 선택하지 않은 것은 매우 잘한 일이다. 그보다 나를 위해서.

내가 비록 목사 사모님 감은 아니어도 나도 나 나름대로 괜찮은 여자거든요.

The man then

The beginning of the story began with a peek into Google.

It was very cold Christmas Eve. I had a lot of fun with my friends. The next day, I went to El Paso cafe in Jongro with a friend who said she would introduce me to a man. It was Christmas.

A classy man, who seemed to know how to play, sat seriously. His low, yet vivid, charming voice, my friend hinted that he is good at playing the guitar and singing.

I didn't expect much from his sour response, but he called me to meet. I ran out to see him with excitement. But his attitude was not so bright. No matter how much I liked it, I also had no qualms with anyone who didn't like me. Our date didn't go smoothly and then it was cut off.

He called me unexpectedly one day after winter and almost spring. Wearing a flower-patterned dress and a sweater, I went to see him as if I had been dragged out in the spring wind. But after date several times, it was cut off again. One spring day after a year, I suddenly got another call. My friend told me that he broke up with a girl he met in church.

My love philosophy of 'do not stop the coming and do not hold the going' did not reject him. Again he disappeared and I waited like a habit, not excited by his indecisive attitude. Then I left for a far-off foreign land that he could no longer reach.

 What was I to him?

I was curious about the meeting that I spent many years without even having a proper date. What would he be like? I searched on Google. He became a famous pastor and preached in a large church. The handsome figure is buried over time, the hair is removed and the body was swollen. I guess he neglected our date in searched of a pastor's wife!

I must have been not enough of a pastor's wife! Not me either. A woman who knows only myself like me and lives in my passion is far from such a position. It is very well that he did not choose me.

Even if I'm not enough to be a good pastor’s wife, I'm a fine woman as an artist’s wife.

아무 말 못 했다

강남 신사동 가로수 길가 숙소에  잠시 머물렀다. 길을 오가며 빵집 유리창 안을 들여다봤다. 하얀 유니폼 안에 가는 몸매와 높다란 흰 모자 아래 희고 고운 얼굴의 여자가 열심히 반죽하고 있었다.             

그녀의 손에서 빚어진 반죽 안에 달콤한 내용물이 채워진 후 노릇노릇 구워져 진열대에 먹음직스럽게 놓였다. 젊은 연인들은 머리를 맞대고 빵을 베어 물고는 웃었다. 쌀쌀한 겨울, 밖과는 대조적으로 빵집 안은 포근하고 아늑해 보였다. 그러던 어느 날 그 빵집에 들어갔다.

“잘 있었어? 아버지 돌보느라 수고가 많구나.”

조심스럽게 입을 열었다.

“왜 이렇게 늙었어? 후줄근해서는. 길에서 보면 몰라보겠다.”

나는 머리를 쓸어 올리며 피식 웃었다.

“병원에서 왜 아버지를 계속 살리는지 알아? 다 돈 때문이지. 그놈의 돈 벌려고.”

나는 아무 말 하지 못했다. 

“아버지 친구, 엄청나게 돈 많은 분도 병들어 눕자 본인 스스로 단식 투쟁하듯 절식해 생을 마감했다는데. 우리 아버지는 백 살까지 살려는지.”

나는 말을 잃었다.

“아직도 여자가 그렇게 좋을까? 누워서도 병간호인 아줌마가 예쁜지 팁을 주며 즐거워하니.”

나는 창밖으로 시선을 돌렸다.

“너나 아버지나 둘이 똑 닮아서는 자기들뿐이 몰라.”

나는 다 식은 쓴 커피를 홀짝거렸다.  

“어떻게 그리도 여자 형제 모두가 지지리도 못사는 데로 시집가서 제대로 돈도 쓰지 못하고 궁상떨며 사는지. 베풀어야 복을 받지.”

나는 빵을 뜯어 입에 구겨 넣었다.

간신히 눈을 들어 브랜드네임 값비싼 옷에 묻힌 왜소한 몸 위에 놓인 역삼각형 얼굴을 쳐다봤다. 앞머리는 벗어지고 양쪽에 조금 남은 가는 머리털은 가지런히 빗어 넘겼다. 깊게 팬 넓은 미간 아래 작은 입은 쉴 새 없이 불만을 토해냈다. 

'예전에도 이렇게 생겼었던가?' 

전혀 한 번도 본 적이 없는 타인 같다. 머리통이 더 커진 듯하다. 자세히 보니 부은 것도 같다. 화가 머리로 뻗치면 머리통이 붓는 것인지.

‘그러게, 못살아도 아버지한테서 멀리 떨어져 독립해서 자유롭게 살지. 평생 아버지 그늘에서 벗어나지 못하고….’ 

한마디 하고 싶었지만, 끝내 아무 말도 하지 못했다.

I couldn't say anything.

I stayed at the Garosu street residence in Sinsa-dong, Gangnam for a while. I looked in the window of the bakery as I went up and down the street. I noticed a woman with a white and fine face kneading hard under the white uniform and the tall white hat.

The dough from her hands filled with sweet contents. And the brown bread was laid appetizingly on the shelves. Young lovers put their heads together, bit the bread, and laughed. In a chilly winter, in contrast to the outside, the bakery looked cozy and. Then one day I entered the bakery.

"How are you? You have a lot of trouble taking care of your father."

I opened my mouth carefully.

"Why are you so old? What a shabby you are! If I see it on the street, I won't recognize you."

I swept my head and laughed.

"Do you know why hospital keep saving our father? It's all about money. To make his money."

I couldn't say anything.

"My father's friend, the incredibly rich man, fell ill and ate like a hunger strike, ending his life. But does my father wants to live up to a hundred years old?"

I lost my words.

"How come he still likes a woman so much" Even though he is lying down, he gives a tips to career who is pretty.”

I turned my gaze out of the window.

“You look just like father. They’re the ones who only take care of themselves.”

I sipped the cold bitter coffee.

“How can all the sisters marry poor men and not spend money properly and live in embarrassment? You have to give to be blessed."

I ripped the bread open and crumpled it into my mouth.

I barely lifted my eyes and looked at the inverted triangle face on the small body buried in the brand name expensive clothes. The bangs were stripped off and the fine hairs left on both sides were neatly combed. Under the irritatingly wrinkled broad forehead, the little mouth is constantly complaining. Did it look like this before? It's like someone I've never seen before. The head seems to be getting bigger. Looking closely, the face is swollen. If anger reaches out to his head, does he get a swelling in the head?

"Well, even if you live in poverty, why didn't you lived far from father and lived independently. You can't get out of father's shadow forever." I wanted to say a word, but...

I couldn't say anything at last

끝에 있었다

여자는 떠나고 남자는 또다시 혼자 남는다.

한때는 번성했던 고향이 낙후되자 도시로 떠났던 여자가 세월이 흐른 후 남루한 모습으로 낡은 가방을 들고 고향을 찾는다. 여자는 자그마한 어선들이 끄덕거리는 부둣가를 거닐다 마을을 떠나지 못하고 술로 허함을 달래던 옛 남자 친구를 만난다. 남자는 술기운에 쑥스러우면서도 반가운 눈으로 여자를 반긴다. 그들은 한동안 함께하다 또다시 여자는 떠나고 남자는 예전보다 더욱더 쓸쓸한 모습으로 남겨진다.

쇠락한 마을을 떠나 외지를 돌다 돌아와 더욱 낙후된 모습에 다시 떠나는 가슴 아픈 사연을 지닌 영화를 연상시키는 메인주 동쪽 끝, 캐나다 국경 해안마을을 연민에 쌓여 둘러봤다.

언덕 위 숙소 오피스 문을 열고 들어섰다. 중년 여자가 모처럼 손님이 온 듯 환하게 웃으며 반겼다. 거센 바닷바람에 패인 얼굴의 주름이 더욱 깊어진다. 그 주름만큼이나 숨은 사연을 지닌 듯한 여자는 으스스한 숙박 오피스를 지키며 동네를 떠나지 못하고 떠나간 연인을 기다리기라도 하는 것일까?

바다가 훤히 내려다보이는 둔덕에 핀 알 수 없는 작은 꽃들은 거센 바람으로 선명함을 잃은 낡은 핑크색 솜털 방망이 모습이다. 더 넓은 바다로 나가거나 대처로 떠난 주인을 기다리며 죽지 못해 사는 가련한 모습 같다.

한때는 커다란 배가 뱃고동을 우렁차게 울리며 들락거렸을 아담한 언덕을 끼고 있는 도시, 바삐 사람들이 오가며 부에 흥청거렸을 모습이 동네 메인 스트릿에 세워진 그럴듯한 건물에서 볼 수 있다. 그러나 지금은 거의 내팽개치듯 텅 빈 채로 버티고 있을 뿐이다. 곳곳에 집 판다는 사인이 붙어있다. 고향을 떠난 사람들이 오래전에 내놓았는지 사인 또한 낡거나 바닥에 누워있다.

숙소 앞, 배란다 난간에 매단 깃대에 여러 나라 깃발들이 거센 바람에 펄럭이고 있다. 한국 국기도 있다. 처량함을 동반한 반가움이랄까? 어쩌다 너도 나처럼 이곳 멀리까지 와서 거센 바람에 시달리고 있는지! 과연 이곳까지 또 다른 한국인이 왔을까?

영화 속 주인공처럼, 다음날 나도 가방을 차에 넣고 동네를 휘둘러보고는 떠났다. 아직도 영화 세트장처럼 허전하고 텅 빈 마을이 머릿속에서 지워지지 않는 까닭은 오랜 세월 고국을 떠나 채워지지 않은 허한 마음으로 타국에서 떠도는 신세라 설까?

Was at the empty village

The woman leaves and the man is left alone again.

When a woman once prosperous hometown fell behind, a woman who left for the city visited her hometown with an old bag after years.

She walks along the side of the pier where small fishing boats nodded. She meets an old boyfriend who couldn't leave town and was soothed with alcohol. He welcomes her with a shy. They have been together for a while, but once again the woman leaves, and the man is left alone again.

I visited Canada's border village on the eastern end of Maine. This village reminds me of a a heartbreaking story movie that a woman leaves a dilapidated village and returns, but she leaves again in the face of a more backward village.

I opened the door of the lodging office on the hill. A middle-aged woman welcomed me with a bright smile as if It's been a while since she has had a visitor. The wrinkles on the face become deeper in the strong sea breeze. Does a woman who seems to have a hidden story as much as a crease keep a spooky lodging office and wait for a lover who has left the neighborhood?

The elusive small flowers in the thicket overlooking the sea are seen with an old pink fluffy bat that has lost its clarity in the strong wind. They seems to be poor as they can't die waiting for their master, who has gone out to a wider sea or left for big city.

It was once a city with a small hillside where a big boat would come and go with its boat humming. I can see it in a plausible building on the main street of the neighborhood where people would have been busy in the past. But now they're just hanging out empty, almost like throwing it out. There are a lot of signs for the house to be sold house. The Signs are also worn out or lying on the floor, as people who left their hometowns may put them up a long time ago.

In front of the lodge, the flags of various countries are fluttering in the strong winds on the flagpole hanging on the railing. There is also a Korean flag. It's a pleasure with a miserable feeling. How can the Korean flag come all the way here like me and suffer from strong winds? Did another Korean come here?

Like the main character in the movie, the next day, I swung around the village with my bag loaded in my car and left. The reason why the empty village is not erased from my head like a movie set is because I left my country for a long time and wanders from other countries with unfilled heart.