남편이 철든 이유

쇼크요법이라고나 할까?

아내는 남편을 놀라게 할 필요가 있다. 남자는 놀랄 때마다 조금씩 철이 드는 것 같다.

오래전 브루클린의 한 옷 가게에서 매니저로 일할 때였다. 젊은 남자가 여자들이 신는 살 색 스타킹을 머리 위에 돌돌 말아 얹어 놓고 가게 안을 들여다보고 있었다.

‘별 미친 녀석이 다 있네!’ 

그 모습이 하도 우스워서 속으로 웃었다.
“돈 내놔!” 

밖에 서서 안을 들여다보던 그 남자가 스타킹을 뒤집어쓰고 누런 봉투에 감아진 총을 나에게 들이댔다. 영화에서만 봤던 스타킹을 쓴 일그러진 얼굴을 실제로 보니 너무 이상하고 우스웠다. 어떻게 일그러졌나! 눈을 가늘게 뜨고 들여다보는 내 얼굴 가까이 봉투를 들이밀며 

"돈을 안 주면 죽일 거다!”

소리를 질렀다. 

갑자기 당한 일이라 과연 봉투 안에 총이 들었다는 것을 믿을 수 없었다. 

“야 웃기지 마, 놀고 있네.” 

봉투를 확 낚아채려고 나는 손을 뻗었다. 오히려 강도가 놀라 나를 밀치고 금전등록기를 바닥에 내던졌다. 그리고는 돈을 집히는 만큼 갖고 달아났다. 달아난 도둑을 쫓아서 가게 밖으로 뛰어나가려는데 점원들과 쇼핑하던 손님들이 바닥에 납작 엎드려 있는 것이 아닌가. 그중의 한 점원은 벌벌 떨며 엎드려 울고 있었다. 그 광경을 본 순간 온몸이 떨리기 시작했다.

“겁도 없이 왜 그랬냐, 미쳤느냐.” 

사람들이 난리였다. 과연 나에게 이런 일이 일어나리라고는 상상도 못 했다. 한 마디로 무지가 사람 잡을 뻔 했다.
“돈을 달라면 무조건 주지 왜 그랬냐? 죽지 않은 게 다행이야”

옷 가게 주인이 놀라 달려와 핀잔했다. 일주일 전에도 옆집 피자 가게에 강도가 들어와 돈을 안 주다 총에 맞아 죽었단다. 이런저런 소리를 듣고 나니 무서운 사건이었음을 실감하게 된 것이다.

피곤한 몸을 끌고 집에 돌아와 누웠다. 배가 아프기 시작했다. 배는 점점 심하게 아팠고 하혈을 했다. 임신 3개월 된 아이가 떨어진 것이다. 아픈 배를 쥐고 버티고 버티다 결국엔 병원에 실려 갔다.

"죽이 되든 밥이 되든 내가 벌어먹여 살릴 테니 집에 있어”

다음날 남편은 스튜디오 문밖의 자물통을 채우고 직장을 구하러 나갔다. 가게 키를 갖고 왔는데 출근할 수가 없었다. 결국, 주인아저씨가 와서 창밖으로 열쇠를 던져 주는 것으로 나의 직장 생활은 끝났다.

결혼 초 그 사건 이후, 나는 전업주부가 됐다. 남편이 그때 꽤 놀랐나 보다. 화가 남편이 그림 그린다고 아내 돈 벌러 내보냈다가 송장 치울 뻔했다. 그림 그리는 일도 죽지 않고 살아서 하는 일이고, 입에 풀칠은 하고 나서 하는 일이다. 뭐 그리 대단한 그림이라고 아내와 자식을 죽이면서까지 하겠는가.

그 후로도 생활이 어려워 직장을 잡아 보려고 신문을 뒤적거릴 때마다 

“집에서 아이들이나 잘 키우라는데.” 

남편은 화를 내곤 했다. 화가를 남편으로 둔 여자가 집에서 푹 쉬고 있는 사람은 아마 나뿐일 거다.

The reason why my husband is mature

Should I say shock therapy?

A wife needs to surprise her husband. Whenever a man is surprised, he seems to grow up little by little.

It was a long time ago, I was a manager at a clothing store in Brooklyn. The young man was looking into the store; with the woman's stocking was top his head. The figure was so ridiculous that I laughed inside, saying, 'There's all the crazy ones!'

"Give me the money!" The man, standing outside looking inside, covered a stocking his face and pointed a gun that was wrapped in a brown bag at me. It was so strange and funny to actually see the distorted face with stockings that I had only seen in the movie. He pointed the brown bag near at my face and shouted, "If you don't give me, I'll kill you!"

I couldn't believe there was a gun in a brown bag because of the sudden attack. "Don't be ridiculous, are you playing?" I snapped at the brown bag. Rather, the robber was so surprised that he pushed me and threw the register on the floor. Then he ran away with as much money as he could collect.

I ran out of the store after the thief who had run away. But the clerks and shoppers are lying flat on the floor. One of the clerks was shivering and crying. My legs finally began to tremble at the sight.

"Why did you do it without fear, are you crazy?" people went wild. I never imagined that this would happen to me. I didn't even know how dangerous it was because it was the first time.

The owner of the clothing store came running in surprise. "When a robber asks for money, why don't you give it? Why did you do that? I'm glad you didn't die," he said. A week ago, a burglar broke into the pizza store next door and was shot dead. After hearing one thing or another, I began to tremble and I felt sick. I realized that it was a terrible incident.

I dragged my tired body home and lay down. My stomach began to ache. I was getting very sick and had a hemorrhage. I was eventually taken to the hospital. A three-month-old child was miscarried.

The next day, my husband filled the locks outside the studio door and went out to get a job. I brought the store key, but I couldn't get to work. The storeowner came and took a key I thrown out of the window. In the end I became a full-time housewife. My husband pretty surprised at that time. The artist's husband almost made his wife dead for his painting. Painting is doing also without dying.

Whenever I searched the newspaper for a job because I was having trouble living after that, my husband would get angry with me, saying, "I only want you to raise children at home." Perhaps I'm the only one who's got a rest at home with an artist as a husband.

약속과 거짓말

아주 오래전 나는 한 아이에게 상처를 줬다. 의도하지는 않았지만 거짓말을 해야 했다. 오랜 세월이 흘렀지만 지금도 아이의 울부짓던 모습이 눈에 선하다. 

내가 사는 아파트 옆에 한국 할머니가 사셨다. 복도에서 만나면 몇 마디 인사를 나눌 정도다. 어느 날 인사를 나누다가 잠시 서울에 다녀온다고 말씀드렸더니 며칠 후에 연락이 왔다. 

"아이 아버지가 미국에 자리 잡으러 먼저 왔어요. 아이 엄마는 남편이 이제나저제나 불러주기를 기다렸지만, 연락이 없자 남편 찾아서 아이를 데리고 뉴욕에 왔다는군. 남편이 사는 주소로 찾아가 여러 날 아파트 문가에서 기다리며 밤샘을 했지만, 남편을 만나지 못했다네. 혼자서 아이를 키우며 고생하다 재혼할 남자를 만났는데 그 남자가 아이는 받아들일 수가 없다니 어째겠어. 남편 부모에게 아이를 보내야지. 아이를 서울 갈때 데려가 줬으면 하는데."

아이의 엄마는 슬픈 모습으로 세상모르고 자는 아이를 안고 공항에 나왔다. 

"김포공항에 아이를 데리러 할아버지가 나올거예요. 잘 부탁해요."  

아이를 내게 안겨주며 울면서 우리의 모습이 보이지 않을 때까지 서 있었다.

비행기 안에서 자던 아이가 깨어 울며 엄마를 찾았다. 아이 이름을 부르며 달랬다. 비행기 안이 어두워 엄마 얼굴을 확인 못 한 아이는 다시 잠이 들었다. 알래스카에서 잠시 내렸다 타야 했다. 불이 켜지자 아이는 엄마를 찾으며 울기 시작했다. 아무리 달래도 막무가내였다. 

“너 자꾸 울면 엄마에게 데려다주지 않는다.” 

반 협박 조로 달랬다. 아이는 잠시 생각하는 표정이더니 울음을 그쳤다. 상황이 심각하다는 것을 감지 한 아이는 자기 이름을 아는 아줌마를 잊어버리면 다시는 엄마를 볼 수 없다는 생각에 내 옆에 꼭 붙어 있었다. 내 눈치를 보며 고분고분 말 잘 듣는 아이와 나는 꽤 친해졌다. 아무것도 모른 채 엄마로부터 점점 멀어져 가고 있다는 생각을 하니 마음 아팠다.

김포공항에 도착해서 친할아버지에게 가지 않으려고 아이는 울며불며 나에게 매달렸다. 갓난아기 때 헤어진 할아버지가 누군지 어떻게 알겠는가. 잠에서 깨어나니 엄마는 없고, 자기 이름을 아는 아줌마가 ‘엄마에게 데려다준다’고 해서 말 잘 듣고 따라온 아이였다. 믿고 따라온 아줌마는 거짓말을 하며 알지도 못하는 할아버지에게 자기를 맡기니 당황해서 어쩔 줄 몰라 내 치맛자락을 붙들고 떨어지지 않으려고 했다.

할아버지에게 붙들린 아이는 돌아서 가는 나를 향해 원망스러운 표정으로 

“엄마, 엄마” 

부르며 내게 오겠다고 발버둥을 쳤다.

부모의 이혼이 아이의 몸을 반으로 자르는 것과 같은 큰 상처를 준다고 한다. 난 그 아이에게 주는 상처에 공범자가 되었다. 그런 일을 하겠다고 자초한 나 자신이 한심했다. 아이가 어려서 기억을 못 하기를 바라지만, 만약 기억한다면, 나의 거짓말이 세상에 태어나서 처음으로 그 아이에게 가장 커다란 상처를 주었을 것이다. 지금쯤 서른 살이 됐을 아이가 어디선가 부디 행복하게 살기를 진심으로 바랄 뿐이다. 

Promises and lies

A long time ago, I hurt a child. I didn't mean it, but I had to lie. Twenty-seven years later, the child's cries are still vivid.

A Korean grandmother lived next to my apartment. When we meet in the hallway, we only say a few words of greeting. One day, I said I was going to visit Seoul for a while, and I got a call a few days later. She asked me if I would take a three-year-old boy to his biological grandfather in Seoul.

She was said that the child's father went to America first to settle down. The child's mother waited for her husband to invite them. But when she didn't hear from husband, she came to New York with child in search of her husband. She went to her husband's address and stayed up all night waiting by the door many days, but she couldn't meet him.

After suffered with her child, she met a man who would remarry. However, it was a story that a man who was trying to remarry had to send the child to his husband's parents.  

The mother came to the airport carrying a child who slept in a sad way.  "When you arrive at Gimpo Airport, child grandfather will take him," She told me and handed the child over to me. The mother stood crying until she could not see us.

The child who was sleeping on the plane woke up crying for his mother. I comforted him by calling his name. The child fell asleep again after being unable to check his mother's face because it was dark inside the plane. I had to get off in Alaska for a while. When the light came on, the child began to cry, looking for his mother. No matter how much I tried to appease him, he was obstinate. "If you keep crying, I won't take you to your mother," I said, half intimidated. The child stopped crying after a moment's thought. Sensing that the situation was serious, a child clung to me thinking that if he lost me who knew his name, he would never see her mother again.

It was heartbreaking to think that the obedient child was getting away from his mother without knowing anything about it. We became quite close when we flew to Korea.

When we arrived at Gimpo Airport, the child cried and clung to me so as not to go to his biological grandfather. How does he know his grandfather who broke up with him when he was a baby? When he woke up, there was no mother, and a woman who knew his name promised him to take to his mom, so he listened carefully and followed her. But the woman lied and left him to unknown grandfather. The child was so embarrassed that he couldn't help but hold onto my skirt and try not to fall off.

The child, caught by his grandfather gave me a grudging look and said, "Mom, Mom," and struggled to come to me.

It is said that a parent's divorce hurts a child, such as cutting the body in half. I became an accomplice in the wounds I inflicted on the child. I feel sorry for myself for doing such a thing.

I hope the child is too young to remember, but if he remembers, my lies would have hurt him most for the first time in his life. I sincerely hope that the child, who would be 30 by now, will live happily somewhere.