A whine of drink

“My dear, if you keep drinking like this, you’ll become an alcoholic!”

“I’m not addicted!”

“Let’s try stopping for just one month.”

“My only joy in life is drinking a glass of wine in the evening. If I can’t even do that, what do I have to enjoy?”

A long time ago, a senior who lived in Paris told me,

“White wine can be addictive, so be careful. But red wine is good for your blood.”

So I started drinking one or two glasses of cheap California wine every evening.

Thinking of dinner without wine made me lose the will to cook. I just put a pot of soybean paste stew (된장찌개) on the table. Neither of us said a word. Only the sound of chewing and clinking dishes filled the room. My husband quickly finished eating, got up with his empty bowl, washed only his own dishes, and went to the living room to watch TV.

Left alone at the table, the food tasted bland. I didn’t even have the energy to wash the dishes.

Just like how labor workers get their energy from alcohol, I also used to clean the house well when I was a bit tipsy. I just cleaned up quickly, lay in bed, read a book, and fell asleep early.

“The weather is chilly. How about spicy stir-fried squid and a glass of wine tonight?”

“Sounds good!”

My husband got excited, stir-frying squid and vegetables while jokingly saying silly Chinese words like “Ni hao ma~ Xie xie.” He talked nonstop, repeating the same stories again and again like he was telling them for the first time. We kept pouring wine for each other and had no intention of leaving the dinner table...

I drank when it rained sadly, when I remembered the past in the snow, when I felt good, when I felt upset. There were so many reasons to drink — and so I drank again and again for years. Now, stopping what I did for so long, it feels like a machine has stopped turning. It’s quiet and empty. Just like how people rush home to watch their favorite drama, I looked forward to one glass of wine at dinner. How can I explain this emptiness without wine?

“People say couples feel bored after many years. Do you think we have that too?”

“I’m too busy to feel bored. That’s just what lazy people say.”

We used to feel confident that we weren’t one of those couples. But maybe this is what boredom feels like — and it came the moment we stopped drinking. Now, we don’t talk much. Before, we didn’t fight because we had to drink together at dinner. But now, I feel heavy emotions slowly building inside.

When people used to say,

“You and your husband look like a happy couple,”

I nodded proudly and agreed. But now I realize — maybe our happy relationship was helped by alcohol!

Yesterday, I went to an art opening and quickly drank three or four glasses of wine. My body felt soft like jelly. Holding onto my husband’s arm, I said,

“This won’t work. I think we need wine to be close.”

“Oh! I was thinking the same thing.”

“Let’s drink again. Just one glass a day, okay?”

“Then promise me.”

We may not be an artist, but we are a alcohol lover.

아버지의 여자들

“내가 만나는 여자 친구다. 인사해라.” 

고개 숙여 인사하며 여자를 발끝부터 머리끝까지 훑었다. 아버지보다는 스물다섯 살 정도는 어린듯했다. 아버지에게 이미 여자가 있었다니! 엄마가 가신지 6개월도 채 안 됐는데.

"남편을 교통사고로 잃고 아이 넷을 키우며 고생하는 여자다. 착하고, 음식 솜씨 좋고, 뜨개질도 잘하고 재주가 많은 아주머니다. 네가 미국에서 나오는 줄 알고 네 스웨터를 벌써 만들어 놨다. 먹고 싶은 것이 있으며 다 말해 만들어 줄 거다.” 

침을 튀기며 열변을 토하며 흥분한 아버지를 생전 처음 봤다.

아버지와 아줌마 그리고 갓 결혼한 우리 부부 넷은 함께 여행을 떠났다. 속리산을 거쳐 안동을 지나 경주 불국사 그리고 백암온천까지. 돌아가신 엄마에게는 미안했지만 홀로 계신 아버지에게도 효도해야 하니 어쩌겠는가. 아버지가 하자는 대로 할 수밖에.

아줌마는 아버지와 15년 넘게 잘 지내며 내가 한국에 나갈 때마다 나에게도 잘했다. 그러던 어느 날 그녀가 잠적했다. 아버지가 남산을 오르다 다리를 다쳐 누웠기 때문이다. 누워 있는 아버지가 다시는 일어나지 못할 것으로 생각한 듯했다. 그러나 워낙 건강하신 아버지는 곧 완쾌되었다. 아줌마를 잊지 못하는 아버지가 안쓰러워 그녀의 거처를 수소문했다. 그녀를 알고 있다는 충청도에 있는 한 식당을 아버지와 함께 찾아가서 온종일 기다렸지만, 그녀는 끝내 나타나지 않았다.

“인사해라 내 걸프렌드다.” 

세련되고 참한 분을 또다시 소개했다. 아버지는 그동안 일본인 아줌마, 미국에서 살다 나간 아줌마도 사귀었다. 아마 내가 모르는 나보다 어린 아줌마도 있었을 것이다. 홀로 계신 아버지가 외롭지 않게 즐거운 여생을 보내실 수 있다면 난 누구든 다 좋았다.

몇 년이 흘러, 어느 날 밤중에 누가 문을 두들겨 내다보니 아버지를 버리고 떠난 아줌마가 엄청나게 뚱뚱한 모습으로 문 앞에 떡하니 서 있더란다. 아버지는 문 안으로 들어오려는 그녀를 제지하고 ‘맥도날드에 가서 기다리라’고 했단다. 부리나케 집안에 있는 돈을 다 챙겨 맥도날드로 나가니 아줌마는 ‘잘못했다’고 빌며 ‘다시 돌아오겠다’며 눈물짓더란다.

“한번 떠난 인연은 다시 이어질 수는 없다. 어디에서든 잘 살아라.”

챙겨간 돈을 주니 서럽게 울면서 가더란다. 뉴욕에 있는 나에게도 한밤중에 국제전화로 ‘아버지의 마음을 돌려 달라’며 하소연하기도 했다.

“아버지, 왜 아줌마들과 사귀기만 하고 결혼은 안 하세요. 결혼하세요.” 

“오십 넘은 여인네들 크고 작은 지병들이 있다. 내가 좀 편하기를 바라고 호적에 올렸다간 되레 그들 병시중 들게 된다. 내 생에 결혼은 한 번으로 충분하다. 그것이 네 엄마에 대한 최소한의 나의 예의다.”  

The women of my father's

“This is the woman I’m seeing. Say hello.”

I bowed my head in greeting and looked at the woman from head to toe. She seemed about 25 years younger than my father. I couldn’t believe he already had a woman in his life—Mom had been gone for less than six months.

“She lost her husband in a car accident and raised four kids on her own. She’s kind, a great cook, and good at knitting. She’s really talented. She already made a sweater for you when she heard you were coming from the U.S. If there's anything you want to eat, just tell her—she’ll make it for you.”

I had never seen my father so excited, speaking passionately with spit flying.

My father, the woman, and my husband and I—all four of us—went on a trip together. We passed through Songnisan, Andong, Bulguksa Temple in Gyeongju, and Baekam Hot Springs. I felt sorry toward my late mother, but my father was now alone, and I had to be a good son. I had no choice but to go along with what he wanted.

That woman stayed with my father for over 15 years and treated me kindly whenever I visited Korea. But one day, she disappeared. My father had hurt his leg while climbing Namsan and was bedridden. She must have thought he would never walk again. But my father, being strong and healthy, recovered quickly. He couldn’t forget her and searched for her. We found out she might be connected to a restaurant in Chungcheong Province, so we went there and waited the whole day—but she never showed up.

“Say hello—this is my new girlfriend.”
This time, it was a stylish and elegant lady. Over the years, my father had dated a Japanese woman, a woman who used to live in the U.S., and probably others I didn’t even know about—maybe even women younger than me. As long as he wasn’t lonely and could enjoy his later years, I didn’t care who he was with.

Years passed. Then one night, someone knocked on the door. It was the woman who had left him, now very overweight, standing at the doorstep. My father blocked her from coming in and told her to wait at McDonald’s. He quickly gathered all the money in the house and went to meet her. She tearfully apologized, saying she wanted to come back.

“Once a relationship ends, it can’t start again. Live well wherever you are,” he said.

He gave her the money, and she left, crying. She even called me in New York in the middle of the night, begging me to help change my father’s mind.

“Dad, why don’t you marry one of them? Just get married.”
“Women over fifty often have health issues. If I get married and put them on my family register, they’ll expect me to take care of them. I just want to live a peaceful life. One marriage in my lifetime is enough. That’s the least I can do to honor your mother.”

비둘기처럼 다정한…

‘콜록, 콜록콜록’ 밤새 기침하느라 잠을 설쳤다. 머리가 지끈거리고 몸이 무겁다. 어릴 때부터 편도선 때문에 항상 골골했다. 나이 드니 편도선도 있을 곳이 아니라며 내 몸을 떠났는데 찬 바람이 부는 겨울이 시작되면 거르지 않고 기침 감기가 온다. 

세끼를 집에서 해결하는 ‘삼식이’ 남편에게 밥상도 차려줘야 하는데 해소 기침 소리를 내며 누워 있다. 머리에 흰 끈만 질끈 매면 영락없는 시할머니 모습이다. 

돌아가신 친정엄마가 꿈속에서 내 손을 잡아끌며 어디론가 가자고 재촉했다. 눈을 뜨니 온몸이 땀에 흠뻑 젖었다. 죽음이 별거던가 이러다 죽는 거지. 히잡을 쓴 아랍 여인네 차림으로 온몸을 둘둘 휘감고 약을 사러 밖으로 나왔다. 다리가 후들거리고 뒤통수에서 파도가 밀려오는 듯 온몸을 뒤흔들어 눈앞이 어찔했다. 후줄근한 동네 카페에 앉아 핫초콜릿을 마셨다. 길 건너 양지바른 건물 지붕 끝에 줄지어 앉아 추위를 달래는 비둘기들이 내 모습처럼 처량하고 스산하다. 

서로 엉겨붙어 지나가는 젊고 건강한 남녀를 멍청히 쳐다봤다. 기분이 묘하다. 시대의 돌림병인 양 몇몇 남편 친구들은 늙은 마누라와 이혼하고 젊은 여자들과 재혼했다. 그런데 내 남편은 늙은 나와 사느라 얼마나 지루하고 힘들까? 더군다나 해소 기침을 연중행사로 들어가며 살아야 하니. 여자인 나도 한 남자와 평생을 사는 게 힘든데 표현하지 않아서지 아마 속으로는 골골 되는 마누라 팽개치고 싶을 것이다. 남편이 젊은 여자와 눈이 맞아 떠난다고 떼쓰면 어찌 막겠느냐마는.

젊고 예쁜 공주도 아닌 내가 남편이 약을 사다 줄 때까지 누워 있어야 하겠는가? 스스로 일어나 약을 사서 먹는 것이 당연하다. 약국을 향해 휘청거리며 걸었다. 평생을 붙어 다니던 편도선도 늙은 내가 싫다고 떠났는데 남편이 안 떠난다는 보장이 있을까? 

사는 게 참 치사하고 서글프다. 늙은 여자가 젊은 여자 당할 재간 없고, 못생긴 여자가 예쁜 여자를, 약한 여자가 건강한 여자를, 그렇고 그런 여자가 잘나가는 여자 당할 수 없는 세상 이치가 그러니 어쩌겠는가? 누구를 탓할 일이 아니다. 스스로 알아서 기어야지.

매운탕을 끓이고 가지나물에 김을 가지런히 썰어 밥상을 차렸다. 

“어찌 일어났어?” 

“이혼당하기 전에 정신 차려야지.” 

“이혼 같은 소리 하네.” 

남편이 내 밥을 듬뿍 퍼주며 

“많이 먹고 일어나야지.” 

“Thank 콜록 you~ 콜록콜록.”

Friendly as a dove

Cough, cough cough. I was up all night coughing and barely slept. My head was pounding, and my whole body felt heavy. Ever since I was a child, I’ve always been weak because of my tonsils. Now that I’m older, even the tonsils decided they didn’t want to stay with me anymore and left. But as soon as the cold winter wind starts blowing, I always come down with a coughing cold.

I still had to cook for my husband, who eats all three meals at home like clockwork. But there I was, lying down, coughing like I had whooping cough. If I just tied a white cloth around my head, I’d look exactly like an old village grandma.

In my dream, my late mother appeared and pulled my hand, urging me to follow her somewhere. I woke up drenched in sweat. So this is how it happens—death isn’t such a big deal after all. You just fade away like this.

I wrapped myself up from head to toe like an Arab woman in a hijab and dragged myself outside to buy medicine. My legs were shaking, and it felt like waves were crashing against the back of my head. My vision blurred as I stumbled forward. I sat down in a shabby neighborhood café and sipped a hot chocolate. Across the street, a row of pigeons huddled together on a sunny rooftop, looking just as miserable and cold as I felt.

I watched a young, healthy couple walk by, stuck together like glue. I just stared blankly at them. It gave me a strange feeling. Some of my husband’s friends, as if it were a trend of the times, have divorced their aging wives and remarried younger women. And I thought: how bored and tired my husband must be, living with an aging wife like me. On top of that, he has to hear me coughing all year round. Even for me, living with one man my whole life hasn’t been easy. I don’t say it out loud, but deep down, maybe he wants to leave me too, tired of his sickly wife. 

If he ever falls for a younger woman and insists on leaving, what could I really do to stop him? I’m not some young and pretty princess. Do I really have the right to lie in bed and wait for him to bring me medicine? No. It’s only right that I get up and take care of myself. So I stumbled off to the pharmacy.

Even my tonsils, which stuck with me all my life, left me because they were tired of my old body. What guarantee is there that my husband won’t do the same? Life feels so unfair and bitter sometimes. An older woman can’t beat a younger one. An unattractive woman can’t beat a pretty one.  A weak woman can’t beat a healthy one. An average woman can’t beat a successful one. That’s just how the world works. There’s no one to blame. You just have to figure out how to crawl on your own.

I made spicy fish stew, neatly sliced some steamed eggplant, and laid out the dinner table.
“You got up?” my husband asked.
“I figured I’d better pull myself together before you divorce me,” I said.
“What nonsense are you talking about?”
He scooped a big bowl of rice for me and said,
“Eat up and get better soon.”
“Thank cough you~ cough cough,” I replied.

나의 '위대한 개츠비'

서울을 떠나 미국 유학을 준비하며 대학교 리스트를 훑어보았습니다. 수많은 학교 중 유독 알파벳 ‘A’의 가장 첫머리에 있던 아델파이(Adelphi) 대학교가 눈에 쏙 들어왔습니다. 로버트 레드포드와 미아 패로가 주연한 영화 *위대한 개츠비(The Great Gatsby)*의 배경이 바로 롱아일랜드의 가든시티인데, 그곳에 아델파이 대학이 있다는 것이었습니다. 영화 속 그 아름답고 고풍스러운 풍경 속으로 들어가 살 수 있다는 상상만으로도 가슴이 벅차올랐습니다. ‘그래, 가든시티로 가는 거야. 그곳에서 내 새로운 인생을 시작해보는 거야.’

하지만 설레는 마음으로 당도한 가든시티에서 영화 속 그 화려하고 아름다운 대저택들은 흔적도 찾을 수 없었습니다. 내가 안내받은 곳은 캠퍼스 외곽에 자리한, 어딘지 허름한 빨간 벽돌 기숙사였습니다. 게다가 함께 방을 쓰게 된 첫 룸메이트는 푸른 눈에 금발을 가진 미국인이 아니라, 피부가 아주 까만 아프리카 어느 부족의 추장 딸이었습니다.

그녀는 내가 막연히 상상했던 ‘최소한의 옷만 걸친 채 맨발로 춤을 추는 아프리카인’의 모습과는 전혀 다른 세상을 보여주었습니다. 그녀가 꺼내 보여준 결혼식 사진 속 사람들은 검은 피부와 극명한 대조를 이루는 우아한 베이지색 드레스와 턱시도를 입고, 궁전 같은 저택 앞에 당당히 서 있었습니다. 그녀는 사진 속 남편을 가리키며, 그 역시 곧 미국으로 올 예정이라고 말했습니다.

미국, 그것도 뉴욕, 무려 영화 위대한 개츠비의 무대인 가든시티에서 아프리카 추장의 딸과 미국 생활을 시작하게 되다니. 기대했던 것과는 전혀 다른 방향으로 흘러가는 내 인생을 보며, 묘한 기분이 들었습니다.

처음에는 두려움도 있었습니다. 밤중에 자다 깨어 화장실을 가려고 보면, 분홍색 헤어롤로 잔뜩 말아 올린 룸메이트의 머리통은 어둠 속에서 도깨비 머리처럼 울퉁불퉁해 보였습니다. 게다가 까만 얼굴 사이로 언뜻 드러나는 하얀 이빨은 마치 도깨비불처럼 하얗게 빛나곤 했습니다. 그런 밤이면 이불을 머리끝까지 뒤집어쓴 채 뜬눈으로 밤을 지새우기도 했습니다.

하지만 낮에 만나는 그녀는 밤의 공포가 무색할 만큼 전혀 다른 사람이었습니다. 누구보다 점잖고 지적이었으며, 무엇보다 따뜻했습니다. 낯선 이국땅에서 내가 사회보장번호(SSN)를 받고 은행 계좌를 개설할 수 있도록 친절히 도와준 것도 그녀였습니다. 필요한 물건을 사러 갈 때도 늘 동행하며 나의 서툰 유학 생활을 살뜰히 챙겨주었습니다. 그러던 어느 날, 사진에서 보았던 그녀의 남편이 정말로 베이지색 양복을 입고 캠퍼스에 나타났습니다. 그렇게 우리는 다정한 인사를 나누며 헤어졌습니다.

그녀가 떠난 자리에 내 나이 또래의 태국인 여학생이 새로운 룸메이트로 들어왔습니다. 나와 생김새가 비슷한 동양인이라는 사실에 내심 반가웠지만, 그 기대는 단 하루 만에 무너지고 말았습니다. 원인은 음식마다 우리나라 쪽파처럼 마구 다져 넣는 진한 고수(실란트로) 향 때문이었습니다. 냄새가 어찌나 역겹고 토할 것 같던지, 도저히 기숙사 방 안에 붙어 있을 수가 없어 매일 밤 거리를 방황해야 했습니다. 학교 벤치에 우두커니 앉아 시간을 때우거나, 원래는 스쿨버스를 타고 다녀야 할 기숙사와 학교 사이의 먼 길을 타벅타벅 걸으며 룸메이트의 저녁 식사 시간이 끝나기만을 기다렸습니다. 결국 나는 영화 위대한 개츠비에 나왔던 그 아름다운 장면들은 구경 한 번 제대로 못한 채, 또다시 새로운 거처를 찾아 떠나야 했습니다.

어딘가 새로운 곳을 향해 떠나야 한다는 유랑의 마음은 여전히 진행 중인가 봅니다. 어제는 ‘잘하면 대서양을 건너가 살 수 있을지도 모른다’는 엉뚱하고도 설레는 상상에 취해 과음을 하고 말았습니다.

이래저래 속이 허한 날, 해장으로는 역시 베트남 쌀국수만 한 것이 없습니다. 이제는 남편 몫의 고수까지 내 그릇에 잔뜩 집어넣고, 매콤한 양념장까지 아낌없이 풀어 넣습니다. 뜨거운 국숫발을 후후 불어가며 입안 가득 밀어 넣고, 칼칼한 국물을 쭉 들이켜봅니다.

순간, 알싸한 고수 향이 입안 가득 퍼지며 온몸으로 아련하게 번져갑니다. 코끝을 스치는 이 낯익은 향기를 맡으며, 나는 소리 없이 미소 짓습니다. 아델파이 대학의 알파벳 ‘A’를 보며 설레었던 그 옛날, 나의 찬란했던 위대한 개츠비를 떠올리면서 말입니다.

My Own 'Great Gatsby'

When I was in Seoul preparing to study abroad in America, I went through a list of universities. Out of all the schools, Adelphi University—which sat right at the top under the letter 'A'—instantly caught my eye. I learned that the school was located in Garden City, Long Island, which was the very setting of the movie The Great Gatsby starring Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. Just imagining myself living inside those beautiful, classic movie scenes made my heart race with excitement. “Yes, I’m going to Garden City! I’ll start my brand new life there.”

However, when I finally arrived in Garden City with a fluttering heart, those grand, beautiful mansions from the movie were nowhere to be found. Instead, I was guided to a somewhat shabby, red-brick dorm building located on the edge of the campus to unpack my bags. To make things more surprising, my first roommate was not a blonde, blue-eyed American girl. She was the daughter of an African tribal chief, with very dark skin.

She showed me a world that was completely different from what I had vaguely imagined—which was barefoot African people dancing in minimal clothing. The wedding photos she showed me featured people dressed in elegant, beige gowns and tuxedos that contrasted beautifully with their dark skin, standing proudly in front of a palace-like mansion. She pointed to her husband in the photo and told me that he would be coming to America soon.

Starting my American life in New York—and in Garden City of all places, the stage of The Great Gatsby—with the daughter of an African chief! Seeing my life head in a completely unexpected direction, I felt a strange mixture of emotions.

At first, I was a bit scared. When I woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, my roommate's head, covered in pink hair rollers, looked bumpy and monstrous in the dark. Moreover, her white teeth flashing against her dark skin looked like a ghostly light in the shadows. On those nights, I would pull the blanket all the way over my head and stay awake until morning.

But during the day, she was a completely different person, making my nighttime fears feel silly. She was incredibly polite, intellectual, and above all, warm-hearted. She was the one who kindly helped me get my Social Security Number (SSN) and open a bank account in this strange new country. She always went with me to buy necessities and looked after me during my clumsy early days of studying abroad. Then one day, her husband from the photo actually showed up on campus wearing a beige suit. And just like that, we said our warm, sweet goodbyes.

After she left, a Thai student around my age became my new roommate. I was secretly happy to have a fellow Asian roommate who looked a bit like me, but that hope shattered in just one day. The culprit was the strong scent of cilantro, which she chopped and tossed into almost every dish like green onions. The smell was so overwhelming and nauseating to me that I couldn't bear to stay in the dorm room. I had to wander the streets every evening. I would sit blankly on a campus bench to pass the time, or walk the long distance between the school and the dorm—a route I usually took the school bus for—just waiting for her to finish dinner. In the end, without ever catching a glimpse of those beautiful scenes from The Great Gatsby, I had to pack up and leave for yet another place.

It seems that wandering spirit—the feeling of always needing to go somewhere new—is still with me today. Yesterday, I drank a bit too much, swept away by a silly but exciting daydream that I might cross the Atlantic and live there someday.

On days when my stomach feels empty after drinking, nothing beats Vietnamese pho for a hangover. Nowadays, I even take my husband’s share of cilantro and pile it generously into my bowl, adding plenty of spicy sauce as well. I blow on the hot noodles, take a big mouthful, and gulp down the spicy broth.

In that instant, the sharp, refreshing scent of cilantro fills my mouth and softly spreads through my whole body. Feeling this familiar aroma brush past my nose, a quiet smile comes to my face. I find myself remembering that old time when my heart fluttered just looking at the letter 'A' for Adelphi University—and I think of my own, beautiful Great Gatsby.