Sitting in a three-way cafe

"Did you know that rich boys used to follow me around when I was young?"

I asked her.

"Then why didn’t you marry one of them?"

"I tried, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be."

Another friend sitting next to us added,

"Back in the day, men from Seoul National University were after me too. One of them got sick when I didn’t show any interest in him."

I asked her,

"Did you say yes to that man?"

"No. He ended up marrying a woman we worked with."

I looked at their older faces and aging bodies and thought,

Were they really that beautiful in their youth—enough to attract rich heirs and elite college grads? It was hard to believe, so I said,

"Maybe you were just imagining things?"

"Why can’t we imagine a little?"

"Well, I guess daydreaming is free."

Then one of them asked me,

"Didn’t any man chase after you?"

I answered,

"There was one guy who kept following me, and I was kind of happy about it. But later I found out he had bipolar disorder. When he was manic, he followed me everywhere. But when he was depressed, he ignored me like I didn’t exist. His sister apologized to me, saying sorry again and again. So I woke up from my little dream."

Another friend asked,

"Then how did you end up getting married?"

I replied,

"I needed a green card, so I chased after him."

'So yeah, I’m just a pitiful woman, okay? I went around begging for a green card, talking about it every day like a broken record. That’s how I ended up getting married. Ugh… It wasn’t worth it. It’s dirty, it’s humiliating, it makes me feel sick inside. But what could I do? Even now, just thinking about it makes my heart race and my head feel like it’s splitting. Still, I have to keep it inside and carry on. Honestly… just between us… my husband acts like my master. What a rotten life I have.'

I sat there, looking at my two friends—both divorced, both living freely and relaxed. I, on the other hand, had to go home and make dinner.

I bit my lips to hold back my boiling frustration. Whose life am I really living? Sometimes I feel safe with my husband next to me, but sometimes I feel trapped. Why did I even get married?

One day, my son said to me,

"Mom, I don’t think I want to get married."

I replied,

"That’s a smart decision. You’re over 20 now, so live the way you want. I won’t tell you what to do."

My father, who only has one son and four granddaughters, once said:

"People in the neighborhood feel sorry for me. They say, ‘Poor old man. He has no grandson, and his kids all live overseas.’

But I don’t care. Even the child who came from my own body is hard to deal with. Why would I want a grandson? I’m just happy they weren’t born from somewhere else. I like living alone like this. Quiet and peaceful."

I also like being alone. It turns out—I really am my father’s daughter.