"남편을 교통사고로 잃고 아이 넷을 키우며 고생하는 여자다. 착하고, 음식 솜씨 좋고, 뜨개질도 잘하고 재주가 많은 아주머니다. 네가 미국에서 나오는 줄 알고 네 스웨터를 벌써 만들어 놨다. 먹고 싶은 것이 있으며 다 말해 만들어 줄 거다.”
Saturday, December 24, 2011
아버지의 여자들
"남편을 교통사고로 잃고 아이 넷을 키우며 고생하는 여자다. 착하고, 음식 솜씨 좋고, 뜨개질도 잘하고 재주가 많은 아주머니다. 네가 미국에서 나오는 줄 알고 네 스웨터를 벌써 만들어 놨다. 먹고 싶은 것이 있으며 다 말해 만들어 줄 거다.”
Friday, December 23, 2011
The women of my father's
“This is the woman I’m seeing. Say hello.”
My father, the woman, and my husband and I—all four of us—went on a trip together. We passed through Songnisan, Andong, Bulguksa Temple in Gyeongju, and Baekam Hot Springs. I felt sorry toward my late mother, but my father was now alone, and I had to be a good son. I had no choice but to go along with what he wanted.
That woman stayed with my father for over 15 years and treated me kindly whenever I visited Korea. But one day, she disappeared. My father had hurt his leg while climbing Namsan and was bedridden. She must have thought he would never walk again. But my father, being strong and healthy, recovered quickly. He couldn’t forget her and searched for her. We found out she might be connected to a restaurant in Chungcheong Province, so we went there and waited the whole day—but she never showed up.
“Say hello—this is my new girlfriend.”
This time, it was a stylish and elegant lady. Over the years, my father had dated a Japanese woman, a woman who used to live in the U.S., and probably others I didn’t even know about—maybe even women younger than me. As long as he wasn’t lonely and could enjoy his later years, I didn’t care who he was with.
“Dad, why don’t you marry one of them? Just get married.”
“Women over fifty often have health issues. If I get married and put them on my family register, they’ll expect me to take care of them. I just want to live a peaceful life. One marriage in my lifetime is enough. That’s the least I can do to honor your mother.”
Saturday, December 3, 2011
비둘기처럼 다정한…
세끼를 집에서 해결하는 ‘삼식이’ 남편에게 밥상도 차려줘야 하는데 해소 기침 소리를 내며 누워 있다. 머리에 흰 끈만 질끈 매면 영락없는 시할머니 모습이다.
서로 엉겨붙어 지나가는 젊고 건강한 남녀를 멍청히 쳐다봤다. 기분이 묘하다. 시대의 돌림병인 양 몇몇 남편 친구들은 늙은 마누라와 이혼하고 젊은 여자들과 재혼했다. 그런데 내 남편은 늙은 나와 사느라 얼마나 지루하고 힘들까? 더군다나 해소 기침을 연중행사로 들어가며 살아야 하니. 여자인 나도 한 남자와 평생을 사는 게 힘든데 표현하지 않아서지 아마 속으로는 골골 되는 마누라 팽개치고 싶을 것이다. 남편이 젊은 여자와 눈이 맞아 떠난다고 떼쓰면 어찌 막겠느냐마는.
사는 게 참 치사하고 서글프다. 늙은 여자가 젊은 여자 당할 재간 없고, 못생긴 여자가 예쁜 여자를, 약한 여자가 건강한 여자를, 그렇고 그런 여자가 잘나가는 여자 당할 수 없는 세상 이치가 그러니 어쩌겠는가? 누구를 탓할 일이 아니다. 스스로 알아서 기어야지.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Friendly as a dove
Cough, cough cough. I was up all night coughing and barely slept. My head was pounding, and my whole body felt heavy. Ever since I was a child, I’ve always been weak because of my tonsils. Now that I’m older, even the tonsils decided they didn’t want to stay with me anymore and left. But as soon as the cold winter wind starts blowing, I always come down with a coughing cold.
I still had to cook for my husband, who eats all three meals at home like clockwork. But there I was, lying down, coughing like I had whooping cough. If I just tied a white cloth around my head, I’d look exactly like an old village grandma.
In my dream, my late mother appeared and pulled my hand, urging me to follow her somewhere. I woke up drenched in sweat. So this is how it happens—death isn’t such a big deal after all. You just fade away like this.
I wrapped myself up from head to toe like an Arab woman in a hijab and dragged myself outside to buy medicine. My legs were shaking, and it felt like waves were crashing against the back of my head. My vision blurred as I stumbled forward. I sat down in a shabby neighborhood café and sipped a hot chocolate. Across the street, a row of pigeons huddled together on a sunny rooftop, looking just as miserable and cold as I felt.
I watched a young, healthy couple walk by, stuck together like glue. I just stared blankly at them. It gave me a strange feeling. Some of my husband’s friends, as if it were a trend of the times, have divorced their aging wives and remarried younger women. And I thought: how bored and tired my husband must be, living with an aging wife like me. On top of that, he has to hear me coughing all year round. Even for me, living with one man my whole life hasn’t been easy. I don’t say it out loud, but deep down, maybe he wants to leave me too, tired of his sickly wife.
If he ever falls for a younger woman and insists on leaving, what could I really do to stop him? I’m not some young and pretty princess. Do I really have the right to lie in bed and wait for him to bring me medicine? No. It’s only right that I get up and take care of myself. So I stumbled off to the pharmacy.
Even my tonsils, which stuck with me all my life, left me because they were tired of my old body. What guarantee is there that my husband won’t do the same? Life feels so unfair and bitter sometimes. An older woman can’t beat a younger one. An unattractive woman can’t beat a pretty one. A weak woman can’t beat a healthy one. An average woman can’t beat a successful one. That’s just how the world works. There’s no one to blame. You just have to figure out how to crawl on your own.
I made spicy fish stew, neatly sliced some steamed eggplant, and laid out the dinner table.
“You got up?” my husband asked.
“I figured I’d better pull myself together before you divorce me,” I said.
“What nonsense are you talking about?”
He scooped a big bowl of rice for me and said,
“Eat up and get better soon.”
“Thank cough you~ cough cough,” I replied.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
위대한 ‘개츠비'
밤에 자다 일어나 화장실을 가려면 핑크색 루프로 말아 올린 룸메이트의 머리통은 도깨비 머리처럼 울퉁불퉁했고, 검은 얼굴 사이로 나온 하얀 이빨들에서 나오는 광채는 어둠 속에서 도깨비불처럼 빛났다. 머리끝까지 뒤집어쓴 이불 속에서 뜬눈으로 밤을 지새운 후 낮에 보는 룸메이트는 전혀 다른 모습이었다. 점잖고 지적이며 따뜻했다. 학교에서 쇼설 넘버를 받아 은행계좌 여는 것을 도와줬다. 필요한 물건도 함께 사러 다니며 나의 어려운 일들을 거들었다. 어느 날, 사진에서 본 그녀의 남편이 베이지색 양복을 입고 학교에 나타난 후 우리는 헤어졌다.
내 나이 또래의 타일랜드인이 새로운 룸메이트가 되었다. 나와 비슷한 모습을 한 동양인이라는 기대는 하루 만에 무너졌다. 음식 여기저기에 우리나라 파처럼 마구 넣는 진한 실란트로(cilantro) 향내 때문이었다. 냄새가 토할 것처럼 역겨워 기숙사에 있지를 못하고 길거리를 방황했다. 학교 벤치에 우둑하니 앉아 있고, 스쿨버스를 타고 와야 하는 학교와 기숙사 사이를 걸으며 룸메이트의 저녁 식사가 끝나기를 기다렸다.
‘캣츠비’ 영화에 나왔던 아름다운 장면들은 구경 한 번 못한 채 또 다른 곳을 향해 떠나야 했다. 어디론가 가야 한다는 생각은 아직도 진행 중이다. 잘하면 대서양을 건너가 살 수 있지 않을까 하는 엉뚱한 설렘에 어제는 과음했다.
Friday, November 11, 2011
The Great Gatsby
Once upon a time, a young Korean woman crossed the Pacific Ocean and came alone to New York. She got married, had children, and slowly grew older. Now, after spending so many years in New York, she dreams of crossing another ocean—the Atlantic—and living in a world different from New York.
Back in Seoul, she looked at a list of schools in the U.S. to study abroad. The first one that caught her eye was Adelphi University, simply because it started with the letter “A.”
She discovered it was located in Garden City, Long Island—the setting for the movie The Great Gatsby, starring Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. The thought of living in a scene from that beautiful movie made her heart race.
“Yes! I’ll go. To Garden City. That’s where my new life will begin.”
But where were the beautiful houses from the movie? She was led to an old, red brick dorm outside campus and unpacked her things. Her roommate wasn’t a blonde girl with blue eyes, but a very dark-skinned woman who looked like she could be the daughter of an African tribal chief. However, the roommate showed her a wedding photo of people wearing beige dresses and suits, standing in front of a luxury house—nothing like the image she had in mind of barefoot tribal dancers. She pointed to her husband in the photo and said he would be coming to America soon.
There she was—starting her American life, not with Robert Redford in The Great Gatsby, but with an African chief’s daughter in Garden City. Her life was heading in a very different direction than she had imagined.
At night, when she woke up to use the bathroom, her roommate’s head wrapped in pink curlers looked like a goblin’s head, and her glowing white teeth against her dark skin sparkled in the dark like ghost lights. But in the daylight, her roommate was a completely different person—calm, intelligent, and kind. She helped her get a social security number, open a bank account, and even took her shopping for essentials. One day, her husband—wearing the same beige suit from the photo—finally arrived, and they parted ways.
Her next roommate was a Thai woman, about the same age. She was excited to be with another Asian who might be more like her. But that hope lasted just one day. The reason? Cilantro. That strong smell was in everything her new roommate cooked—just like green onions in Korean food—but ten times stronger. The scent was so nauseating she couldn’t stay in the dorm. Instead, she wandered the streets, sitting stiffly on school benches, walking back and forth between campus and the dorm, waiting for her roommate to finish eating.
In the end, she left, without even getting a glimpse of the beautiful scenes from The Great Gatsby. But the feeling that she needs to go somewhere else still lingers. Maybe one day, she’ll even cross the Atlantic and live in a whole new place. Caught up in that silly excitement, she drank too much last night.
But hangovers are best cured with Vietnamese pho. She added all the cilantro, even her husband’s share, and mixed in plenty of spicy sauce. She blew on the hot noodles and slurped them down, filling her mouth with soup and warmth. The scent of cilantro spread through her mouth and into her body. And once again, she thought of The Great Gatsby, from long ago.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
마누라 미인 만들기
솔직히 말해서 나는 눈이 심하게 처졌다. 이 무너져 내리는 눈꼬리를 끌어 올리기는 해야 하는데 눈을 고치고 나면 눈과 어울리지 않는 납작한 코도 고쳐야 하고, 처진 볼은 어찌하고. 보수공사 할 곳이 한두 군데인가? 엄두가 나지 않아 세월만 보내며 집 앞 뚝방이 무너져 내리기라도 하듯 혼자서 안달복달이다.
오랜만에 서울로 친정 나들이 간 여자가 공항에 마중 나온 성형한 친정엄마를 알아보지 못했다는 이야기가 생각났다. 알아보지 못한 것은 둘째치고 엄마가 아닌 그냥 아는 아줌마 같은 느낌에 얼굴 쳐다보기가 민망했단다.
나를 닮아 처진 눈을 더욱 늘어뜨리며 작은 아이가 별일 아닌 일로 소란스럽다는 표정이다.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Make a wife beautiful
“Look at this photo in the newspaper. Her eyes are so droopy.”
“You’re one to talk. What about your wife sitting right next to you? Is there anyone in the world with droopier eyes than me?”
“My wife’s eyes are droopy in an intellectual and natural way.”
With hearts in his eyes, my husband looked at the newspaper and said that, and both of us—me, who believed him, and him, who said it—were just two peas in a pod.
To be honest, my eyes are very droopy. I know I need to lift the sagging outer corners, but once I fix my eyes, then my flat nose won’t match, and what about my sagging cheeks? There are too many places that need “repairs.” Just thinking about it wears me out, so I let time pass while I stress over it, like a levee cracking little by little outside our house.
Sitting in front of the mirror, I lifted the corners of my eyes and asked my husband,
“Should I fix them or not?”
“Do whatever you want. I’ll cover the cost—go ahead and change your face completely if you want.”
Then my older kid, overhearing us, jumped in:
“Mom, don’t touch your face! What’s wrong with your face? I don’t like girls who get plastic surgery. If you get work done, I won’t even eat with you.”
“What does eating have to do with anything?”
“You won’t feel like my mom anymore, and I’ll lose my appetite.”
That reminded me of a story—about a woman who flew to Seoul to visit her family and didn’t recognize her own mother at the airport because her mom had plastic surgery. Worse than not recognizing her, she said it felt awkward to look at her mom’s face—it felt like she was just some random lady.
“You’re no better,” I told my older kid. “What if your girlfriend got plastic surgery?”
“I’ve seen her baby photos. She looks exactly the same. I always ask to see childhood pictures before I start dating someone.”
“Well, aren’t you picky!”
My younger kid, who has droopy eyes just like mine, looked unimpressed by all the fuss and rolled his eyes.
“What about your girlfriend? Hasn’t she had work done?”
“I don’t care. If she wants to fix something, that’s up to her.”
This kid used to win comedy awards at school—not academic ones. But now he’s all grown up and acts so serious that it’s hard to talk to him about anything.
In any case, I’ve decided to fix my eyes. My husband once said my face and body look like they belong to different people. I’ve worked out for years and kept my body in shape, so hearing that pushed me to make up my mind. I’m not sure if he meant it sincerely—but still.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
장바구니 든 남자
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Friday, September 2, 2011
A man with a shopping cart
Saturday, August 6, 2011
너싱홈 블루스
적지 않은 노인들이 길을 잃고 집을 찾지 못하는 것이 현재 사는 곳은 기억 못 하고 예전에 살았던 곳의 기억만을 더듬다가 길을 잃고 헤맨단다. 시어머니도 최근 일은 기억 못 하고 옛날 남산 밑에 살면서 폭격으로 처참해진 광경을 아직도 엊그제 일인 양 생생하게 이야기하고 또 하는 것이 심상치 않다.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Nursing home blues
Saturday, July 9, 2011
장사꾼과 봉투
“아버지 아무래도 서울 순위고사는 힘들 것 같아요. 경기도 순위고사를 볼까 봐요.”
뇌물을 준 대부분 학생이 공부도 잘하지만 그림도 잘 그려 높은 점수를 줘야지 했던 학생들이다. 아이들이 뇌물을 받은 내 속을 훤히 들여다보는 것 같아 가까이 가서 지도하기가 불편했다. 높은 점수를 주는 것도 망설여져 괴로웠다. 결국엔 뇌물이 아이에게 역효과를 가져왔다. 뇌물을 거절하면 담임선생님들과의 인간관계가 힘들어지고 받자니 아이들의 시선이 두려웠다.