Contract Marriage

I met a friend at the Hudson Yards shopping mall in Manhattan. After shopping, we went to a restaurant.

“Let’s have a glass of wine.”

“Alcohol in the middle of the day? Why not! We only have to go home after eating.” 

My friend readily agreed. Staring at the deep red wine at the bottom of the glass, which was as big as a child's head, my friend took a sip and said, 

“Isn't it too much? Spending an entire life with just one person? We need a law that allows renewal every 10 years.”

I responded as if it were the most natural thing. 

“Exactly. No matter how much I like my husband, it gets boring. It feels like being trapped in a cave. I just want to break free and live freely.”

Propping her chin up and looking at me with half-closed eyes, my friend said, 

“Not too long ago, I asked my husband if he didn’t find living with me boring. He said no. At That moment, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. You know that feeling?”

I gulped down the deep red wine, and said, 

“Of course, I know. I feel the same way. It’s not that I hate my husband, but I just need some change. A few days ago, I mustered up the courage and said to my husband, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if you could live with a younger woman after we split?’ He said he doesn’t want to go through the hassle of paperwork and doesn’t trust a new woman. He’s afraid of being swindled out of the little wealth he’s saved. Apparently, everyone just lives like that after getting married.”

My friend’s eyes lit up as she said, 

“That’s what I’m saying. There should be a law that gives the option to renew marriage every 10 years. Wouldn't that be great? Then could part ways without fighting and still be friends with ex-husband, living freely and comfortably. It’s the law that's the problem. The law traps people inside a frame. Oh! I heard there’s something called ‘graduation from marriage’ in Korea. Don’t divorce but live together without interfering in each other’s lives or dividing assets. Isn’t that a great idea?”

I downed the last bit of red wine in my glass and checked the time. 

“It’s time to make dinner. Let’s go home and cook before my husband gets angry. Why do Korean men get so irritable when they’re hungry? Even savages wouldn’t behave that way with so much food around these days.”

My friend jumped up, startled. 

“Oh, is it that late already? I don’t have enough time to make dinner. Let’s stop by H-Mart and grab some side dishes.”

My friend and I hurried towards 32nd Street in K-Town. We each bought the dishes our husbands liked, and then we trudged home, our spirits deflated, toward that fence of what someone once called a successful life after 25 years of marriage."

남의 불행이 나의 행복일까

"조심스러운 이야기지만, 너의 가족 모두 건강하니? 노파심에서…"

친구에게 온 이메일이다. 갑자기 조심스러운 이야기라니? 전에 없던 안부 인사지만, 워낙에 길고 감칠맛 나게 글 쓰는 친구가 아니라 별생각 없이 요즈음 나의 근황을 답장했다.

"실은 이상한 소리가 들려서 걱정 많이 했다. 별일 없다니 다행이다."

되돌아온 이메일에 뜨악했지만, 자세한 내용과 누가 이상한 소리를 했느냐고는 묻지 않았다.

살면서 사실과는 전혀 다른 우리 집안 소문에 나 자신도 놀란 적이 서너 번 있다. 한밤중에 문 두드리는 소리에 깨어 나가보니 친구 부부가 문 앞에 서서 놀란 표정으로 나를 살폈다. 

"남편에게 두들겨 맞아 엉망이 됐다는 이야기를 듣고 급하게 달려왔어. 괜찮은 거야?"

남편에게 맞아 사경을 헤매는 것이 아니라 잠에 빠져 꿈속에서 헤매고 있는데 말이다. 자다가 일어나 술상을 차리고 밤새도록 애매한 술만 들이켰다.

남편이 잠시 서울에서 강의하느라 1년 나가 있었다.

"네 남편이 이혼하고 서울로 떠났다며? 괜찮은 거야?"

“이혼?”

“잉꼬부부였던 너희 부부가 이혼했다는 소리 듣고 설마 해서 전화한 거야. 정말 이혼했어?”

사람들은 내가 남편에게 두들겨 맞고 사경을 헤매다 이혼당하기를 원하나? 

나 자신도 너무 놀라 의심이 들었던 소문 중의 하나는 서울에서 전화한 지인의 질문이었다.

"혹시 친정엄마 죽음이 자살이었나요?"

너무도 황당해 말문이 막혔다. 전혀 근거 없는 소문이다.

내 소문이 사실과 다르기에 남의 소문도 믿지 않다가 혼쭐났다. 점잖은 모임에서 만난 지인에게 물었다

"사모님은? 함께 오시지 않았나요?” 

지인이 화가 몹시 난다는 표정으로 소리 질렀다.

"그 사람 이야기를 왜 내게 해요?"

오랜 세월 참았던 고름이 터지듯 갑자기 폭발하는 그의 목소리에 주위 사람들이 놀라 돌아볼 정도였다. 

다음날 그가 나에게 전화해서 사과했다.  

"미안해요. 사실은 오래전 이혼했는데 말하지 않았어요."  

그동안 듣지 못한 그의 긴 사연을 들어야 했다. 그 이후론 모임에 혼자 나타나는 사람들에게 남편이나 부인의 안부를 절대 묻지 않는다. 안 보는 사이에 이혼이라도 했을 수 있기 때문이다.

다른 지인이 부인과 헤어지고 내가 몇 번 본적이 있는 사람과 사귄다는 소문이 돌았다. 말 못 할 사연이 있어 이혼하고 좋은 사람 만나 즐겁게 지낸다니 다행이다. 본인 입으로 말을 꺼내면 모를까 먼저 물어보지 않았다. 지루하고 힘든 삶 속에 가뜩이나 심심한 사람들의 입에 오르내리며 그들에게 나의 헛소문이 조금이라도 즐거움을 줬다고 생각하니 “누가 그런 쓸데없는 소리를 하느냐?”며 소문의 근원을 찾으려고 열 올리는 일은 생략하며 산다.

Is Someone Else’s Misfortune My Happiness

"I hope you don’t mind me asking, but 'is your family all healthy?' Just checking out of concern..."

This was in an email from a friend. Suddenly asking a cautious question? It was an unusual greeting, but since this friend isn’t writing long or intriguing emails, I didn’t think much of it and simply replied with an update on how I’ve been lately.

"I was really worried because I heard something strange. I’m glad to hear everything is okay."

The reply was startling, but I didn’t ask for details or who had said these strange things.

There have been several times in my life when I was shocked to hear completely unfounded rumors about my family. Once, in the middle of the night, I was woken by a knock on the door. When I answered, I found a friend and her husband standing there, looking at me with concern.

“We heard that your husband beat you up so badly you’re a mess, so we rushed over. Are you okay?”

I was not lying beaten and bruised by my husband; I was simply asleep, lost in a dream. I ended up setting out drinks and sitting with them all night, sipping awkwardly.

For a year, my husband had been away in Seoul teaching.

“I heard your husband divorced you and left for Seoul. Are you okay?”

“Divorced?”

“I heard you two, who were once such a happy couple, got divorced, so I called just in case. Did you really divorce?”

Do people wish I’d been beaten by my husband, left on the brink of death, and then divorced?

One of the most shocking rumors I heard, which even made me doubt myself, came from a friend in Seoul who called and asked:

“Was your mother’s death a suicide by any chance?”

I was so taken aback that I was at a loss for words. There was absolutely no basis for such a rumor.

Since my own rumors were far from the truth, I learned not to believe gossip about others—though this lesson came the hard way. At a respectable gathering, I asked an acquaintance,

“How is your wife? Didn’t she come with you?”

He turned red with anger and shouted,

“Why are you asking me about her?”

His voice exploded, like a boil bursting after years of restraint, startling everyone around us.

The next day, he called to apologize.

“I’m sorry. The truth is, we divorced a long time ago, but I never mentioned it.”

I had to listen to his long, previously untold story. Since then, I’ve never asked about a spouse’s wellbeing when I see someone alone at a gathering; who knows if they’ve divorced since I last saw them?

Another acquaintance separated from his wife and started dating someone I’d met a few times. I heard that due to some unspoken circumstances, he divorced and is now happily living with someone new. Unless he brought it up himself, I didn’t ask about it. Given that people with boring and difficult lives might find some small joy in the baseless rumors about me, I no longer get worked up or try to track down the source of the gossip.

여름이 간다

긴 낮이 고개를 넘어갈 즈음 나는 대충 차려입고 밖으로 나간다. 한여름 밤에 묻혀 걷고 싶어서다. 덥지도, 춥지도 않은, 치맛자락 펄럭이는 바람과 함께 걸으면 온전한 자유를 만끽할 수 있다. 그렇게 내가 좋아하는 여름이 슬슬 갈 준비를 하는 듯 엉덩이를 들썩인다. 떠나려는 여름이 야속하고 서운하다. 여름이 가면 낮이 줄어들고 밤이 빨리 온다. 밝음에서 어두움으로 들어가는, 좋아하는 사람과 이별하는 느낌이다. 

난 더위는 타지 않지만, 추위를 몹시 탄다. 더운 곳으로는 여행을 가도 추운 곳으로는 갈 생각조차 하지 않는다. 많은 크루즈를 타고 이곳저곳 돌아다녔어도 알래스카는 가지 않았다. 알래스카라는 이름만 들어도 추위가 몰려오는 느낌이다

사춘기부터 나는 가을을 무척이나 탔다. 가을이 오는 것이 무서웠다. 화기애애한 모임이 끝나고 혼자 되어 어두움으로 들어가 눕는듯했다. 엄마는 가을이 오면 시작하는 내 우울함을 걱정했다. 용돈을 듬뿍 주며 친구 집에 가서 놀다 오라고 했다. 어찌 그리도 내 맘에 들어와 앉아 있는 것처럼 나를 잘 아는지. 엄마와 살던 것보다 더 오래 산 남편은 아직 눈치채지 못했는지

“마누라는 쾌활 과다증이라니까.”

나라고 우울증이 없을까? 엄마는 내가 표현하지 않아도 내가 무엇을 먹고 싶어 하는지 성질을 왜 부리는지 다 알고 대처해줬다. 남편은 남의 편이라 당연히 그러려니 하며 살지만, 아쉽다.

오래전, 남편이 서울에 있는 모 대학 강의하러 가서 우리 친정아버지의 옥탑방에서 1년간 기생했다. 지금도 그때 일을 떠올리면서 장인어른에 대한 고마움을 이야기하곤 한다. 남편은 생전 화내지 않고 상냥한 우리 아버지를 보며 영향을 받았는지 더러운 성질 줄어들고 변했다. 성질부리고 짜증 내봐야 자기 손해라는 것을 깨달았다. 나는 나대로 절대로 남편은 우리 엄마와 아버지 같지 않기에 기대하지 않고 살았다. 남편에 대한 기대가 없었기에 그와 오랜 세월 큰 싸움 없이 살아 아직도 붙어있나보다.

Summer is Leaving

As the long day begins to wane, I dress up and step outside. I want to walk, enveloped in the midsummer night. Walking with the breeze that flutters my skirt, neither too hot nor too cold, I can fully savor a sense of freedom. It feels as though the summer I love is preparing to depart, slowly lifting its feet. The thought of summer leaving makes me feel both resentful and sad. When summer ends, the days shorten, and the nights come quickly. It's like moving from brightness into darkness, like parting with someone I love.

While I don't mind the heat, I can't stand the cold. I'm happy to travel to warm places, but I wouldn't even think of going somewhere cold. Although I've been on many cruises and traveled to various places, I've never gone to Alaska. Just hearing the name Alaska makes me feel a chill.

Since my teenage years, I have always felt particularly sensitive to autumn. The coming of autumn frightened me. It was like the end of a cheerful gathering, leaving me alone, lying down in darkness. My mother used to worry about my autumn melancholy. She would give me extra spending money and encourage me to visit a friend. How could she know me so well, as if she were living inside my heart? My husband, whom I've lived with for even longer than I lived with my mother, still hasn't noticed and he says.

“You have an excess of cheerfulness,”

Could it be that I don’t have depression? Even without expressing it, my mother always knew what I wanted to eat and why I was upset, and she took care of it. My husband, being 'the other side' as people say, is naturally less perceptive, but I accept that.

Long ago, my husband went to teach at a university in Seoul and stayed in my father’s rooftop room for a year. Even now, he fondly remembers that time and expresses his gratitude toward my father. Perhaps influenced by my father, who never raised his voice and was always gentle, my husband became less irritable and more patient. He realized that getting angry or irritated only harms himself. As for me, I've never expected my husband to be like my mother or father, so I haven't set myself up for disappointment. Because I have no expectations of him, we’ve managed to live together for so many years without major conflicts and are still together.

재봉틀 밟는 남자

친구 남편은 손재주가 많다. 팬데믹 때는 재봉틀에 앉아 마스크도 근사하게 만들어 주위사람들에게 나눠주고 연말에는 스카프도 받았다. 집수리도 잘할 뿐만 아니라 정원에 허브를 심어 허브티를 주위 사람들에게 나눠준다.

“이렇게 자상한 남편을 둔 내 친구는 얼마나 좋을까?”

남편에게 말했다. 

“나도 만들 수 있어. 재봉틀만 있으면.”

“정말?”

“내가 총각 시절 옷 가게에서 아르바이트할 때, 특히 백투스쿨 시즌에는 재봉틀이 불이 나도록 청바지 아랫단을 줄였다고. 옷가게 주인도 내 실력에 감탄 했다니까. 대신 드로잉 테이블 만들어 줄까?”

“또 홈디포 가려고?”

“스튜디오에 나무판이 있어. 가지고 와서 만들게.”

며칠 후 남편이 쓴 카드 명세를 들여다보다가 홈디포에서 널빤지 산 기록을 봤다. 자그마치 나 102달러다. 내가 이럴 줄 알았지. 그 돈이면 차라리 이케아에 가서 디자인 테이블을 사지.

“널빤지 스튜디오에 있다고 했잖아. 그냥 굴러다니는 것 있으면 만들랬지. 왜 새 나무를 샀어.”

“이왕 만드는데 질 좋은 재료로 하는 것이 좋을 것 같아서.”

“내가 이케아에서 사고 싶은 테이블 봐 둔 게 있다고. 아이고 말을 말아야지.”

남편 별명은 ‘그린포인트 이 목수’다. 가구를 사고 싶다는 말을 꺼내지 못한다. 그냥 만들겠다고 난리 쳐서. 한번 만들겠다고 마음먹으면 내 발끝에서 허리 높이, 키 재느라 자를 들고 쫓아다닌다. 설계도를 그려 보여주고 다시 고치기를 반복한다. 그렇게 고집부려서 만들어 놓은 것을 보면 마음에 드는 것도 간혹 있지만, 이케아에 점 찍어 놓은 가구가 눈에 아른거려 실망한다. 하지만 만들고 싶어 하는 남편을 둔 내 팔자니 어쩌겠는가. 

“그것마저 못 하게 하면 남편은 무슨 재미로 살까?”

얼마 후, 부셔서 다른 것으로 활용할망정 결국에는 내가 포기한다. 

나무 판때기를 아예 그린포인트 스튜디오에서 재단하고 프라이머를 칠해 핸드카로 끌고 왔다. 오자마자 내 얼굴 볼 틈도 없이 만들기가 급했다. 다 만들어 놓고 이리 보고 저리 보고, 떨어져서 보고 가까이서 만져본다.

“와! 잘 만들었는데. 수고했어요.”

저녁 식탁에 앉아서 다시 

“너무 잘 만들었어요. 고마워요.”

남편 얼굴을 슬쩍 보니 좋아 죽겠다는 표정이다. 

“근데 내 친구 남편은 친구 머리도 염색해 준다는데. 그 집 남편처럼 내 머리 염색 좀 해줄래?

“아주 나를 머슴으로 부리시네. 내가 마당쇠냐? 그건 못해. 미장원에 가서 해. 돈 줄 테니.”

남의 남편 장기 자랑 열거해서 드근로잉 테이블 생기고 싸지 않은 미용실 비용도 챙겼다.  

The man who steps on the sewing machine

My friend’s husband is a very handy man. During the pandemic, he stepped on the sewing machine and made stylish masks to give to people around her wife, and at the end of the year, I even received a scarf. Not only is he good at fixing things around the house, but he also plants herbs in the garden and shares herbal tea with the neighbors.

"How lucky my friend must be to have such a considerate husband,"

I said to my husband.

"I can make things too. Just give me a sewing machine." 

"Really?" 

"When I was single and worked part-time at a clothing store, especially during the back-to-school season, I shortened the bottom of my jeans until the sewing machine caught fire. The store owner was impressed with my skills. Shall I make you a drawing table instead?" 

""Are you going to Home Depot again?" 

"I have a wooden board in the studio. I’ll bring it and make one."

A few days later, while looking at my husband's credit card statement, I saw that he bought a plank from Home Depot for a whopping $102. I knew this would happen. For that money, I could have bought a designer table from IKEA. 

"You said you had a wooden board in the studio. I told you to use whatever was lying around. Why did you buy new wood?" 

"I thought it would be better to use good quality materials since I’m making it anyway." 

"I already saw a table at Ikea that I want to buy. Oh, never mind."

My husband’s nickname is ‘The Carpenter of Greenpoint.’ I can't mention wanting to buy furniture. He always insists on making it himself. Once he decides to make something, he chases me around with a ruler to measure everything from my feet to my waist height. He repeatedly shows me the plans and revises them. While sometimes I like what he makes, I still think about the furniture I had my eye on at IKEA and feel disappointed. But what can I do with a husband who loves to make things? If I take that away from him, what joy will he have in life? In the end, I give up, knowing that eventually, I'll either break it down or repurpose it for something else.

He cut the wooden board in the Greenpoint studio, primed it, and hauled it over with a hand cart. As soon as he arrived, he was too eager to make it to even look at my face. Once he finished, he looked at it from every angle, touched it closely, and stepped back to examine it.

“Wow! It was well made. You worked hard.” 

At the dinner table, I said again, 

"You did a great job. Thank you." 

I glanced at my husband’s face, and he looked pleased as punch.

"My friend’s husband even dyes her hair. Could you dye my hair like he does?" 

"You're really working me to the bone. Am I your servant? I can't do that. Go to the hair salon. I’ll give you the money." 

By listing my friend’s husband’s talents, I got a drawing table and secured some funds for an expensive hair salon visit.