Hand in hand

My hand was always safe and warm inside my father’s soft, gentle hand — at least until he could no longer walk.

I try to remember what my mother’s hand looked and felt like, but I can’t recall the shape or the feeling. I never held her hand while walking, because after giving birth to my younger sibling, she was always sick and lying down.

After school, I would usually fall asleep next to her. Even when it was dinner time, she wouldn’t wake me up right away. Instead, she would pinch my calf gently with her toes and say, 

“It’s time to go to school.” 

When I woke up angry, complaining that she didn’t wake me, she would laugh and hand me a small cold bottle of cola. Looking out the window at the red sunset, I drank it in one gulp — sweet, fizzy, and sharp, just like my mom. Even while sick in bed, she always knew exactly what I wanted.

The first time my mother-in-law visited New York after I got married, I reached out and held her hand without thinking. Her hand, rough and hard like a turtle’s shell, had never been held by anyone. But she didn’t pull away. Now, every time we meet, we walk holding hands.

My two grown-up sons still hold my hand when we walk, just like when they were little. Their hands are long, slim, and soft — very different from my father’s thick and warm hands. Sometimes I try to let go, but they grip tighter and say, 

“Mom, be careful — watch for cars!”

My husband never used to hold my hand. I, out of habit from holding my father’s hand, would try to hold his — but he would push it away. Embarrassed, I just kept my hand in my pocket, touching the bottom for comfort.

These days, my husband sometimes holds my hand. His hand is hard and strong, like an artist’s hand that has held pens and brushes for over 30 years. When he holds mine, it actually hurts a little — but I can’t say anything. I just hold it until I finally yell, “Ow! My hand!” He doesn’t notice and thinks I like it, so he squeezes even tighter. It hurts, but I guess I’ll keep holding his hand anyway — and walk with him.