Worry is greed

“We have too many worries. All because of greed. I realize now that we are living as slaves to our own desires.”

These are the words of actress Um Aeng-ran at the funeral of her husband, actor Shin Sung-il.

A long time ago, I was an art teacher at Hangang Middle School in Dongbu Ichon-dong. The school was in an apartment area where many wealthy people lived, so there were many children of celebrities. One of them was Um Aeng-ran’s son. He sat in the middle-back row of the classroom, on the left side. He had long eyelashes and was very handsome and quiet. After class, even when other students skipped cleaning duty, he quietly swept the floor. Watching his chubby back, I thought, “What a sweet kid!”

Um Aeng-ran used to walk her children to school with no makeup and a messy face. Her daughter went to the girls’ middle school across the street, and her son came to our school. I still remember thinking, “Is she really an actress?” because she looked so plain and down-to-earth.

After I graduated from college, I sent my resume to many places, but I couldn’t find a job. I worried a lot. Most job offers were for sales positions, which were like pyramid schemes. In the end, I took the civil service exam (Ranking test) teachers. Before I became a teacher, men didn’t want to date me—they said I was too short or too weak. But once I got the teaching job, suddenly men who wanted to marry me started showing up.

Although I didn’t have to worry about getting a job anymore, new worries came. I was at the age to get married, and I worried that if I married someone just because I was a teacher, I would become a “money-making slave.” I started to feel disappointed in people.

The students who were smart and confident naturally got attention from other teachers. That included the children of celebrities and kids with pushy moms. But I was more drawn to the quiet students who didn’t stand out, the ones who were bullied because they seemed gay, or the ones too poor to even buy art supplies.

Like those students, I also struggled to fit in at school. I wandered through my days. My mom tried to encourage me to go to work each morning, but I always dragged my feet. In the end, she told me to quit if I was that unhappy, and to live the life I wanted. Every day in the classroom, I dreamed of throwing everything away and flying freely like a bird. Finally, I found a chance to leave—and flew to the United States.

Now I live in New York. Even here, I lose precious things while worrying too much. I know that unless I let go of greed, I will keep walking the hard road of endless worry. Yet I still can’t let go.