Men and women over seven should not sit together

"Men and women over seven should not sit together."

This old saying still lingers in the minds of parents. Maybe our worries are like a chicken that just swallowed a centipede—confused and troubled.

One day, we were invited to our friend’s house. Like us, they also have two sons. Our conversation focused on a difficult situation they had with their college-age son. One night, their son brought his girlfriend home. As the night grew late, they waited for her to leave—but instead, he took her into his room. The parents just looked at each other, speechless. This is the kind of problem many first-generation immigrants like us face with our grown children. I still don’t know the answer. If I say something, I’ll end up fighting with my son. But if I don’t, I feel like I’m failing as a parent. It’s hard to know what’s right.

It wasn’t our first son, but our second one who brought a girl home first.

“Mom, what do you think of Wendy?” he asked carefully.

“Is she your girlfriend?”

“Yes. Do you not like her?”

Since she’s already his girlfriend, I didn’t have much to say.

“She seems cheerful and bright. Is she older than you?”

“She’s two years older.”

“She’s Hispanic. Is that okay? You probably prefer Korean, right?”

“Hispanic, white, Korean—it doesn’t matter. What matters is if she’s smart.”

“She’s really smart. She got a full scholarship through the Gates program all the way to a PhD!”

Wendy was born in Ecuador in a poor environment. Her father died when she was two. She lived with her uncle until she came to the U.S. at age eight to find her mother, who had remarried and left. Her mother now works at a watch assembly factory. Wendy is bright, positive, and polite. She goes to school on weekdays and teaches underprivileged children in Harlem on weekends. She’s always busy. But my son is lying on his bed doing nothing.

“Aren’t you going to see Wendy?”

“Wendy’s always busy. She said I have to get over 90 on my next test if I want to see her.”

“Then why are you lying down? Go study! If you mess up, she’ll dump you. I’m fine with you dating, but if you have a baby before being independent, I’ll send the kid to an orphanage. You better be careful!”

“Mom, do you think you raised me well?”

“Yes, I do. Why?”

“Then don’t worry about me.”

I had nothing to say.

I remembered something my mother-in-law in L.A. once said. She told me about someone who was upset because her daughter married a Black man and had children. She said, 

“With so many children unable to find a partner and living alone, what’s so bad if she married a Black man? If they love each other and live well, that’s what matters.”

I was surprised by her open-minded words at her age—she was over eighty.

We left our home country, married, and had children in a foreign land. Even if not now, someday, our children’s children will mix with other races. It’s just a matter of time—sooner or later. If that’s the future, is there any reason to hurt our kids by trying to stop it?

I’ve seen kids raised in good homes still complain, blame others, and avoid responsibility. But Wendy overcame many hardships, is thankful for her life, and lives happily. That’s the kind of person I hoped my son would date. Wendy’s curly hair is cute, and her skin tone looks like a nice tan. She’s very charming.