I carry a down vest at home and wear it when it's cold and take it off when it's hot. Even in bed, wear the vest forward and sleep hugging it.
I felt empty in my sleep last night. I don't have a vest on my chest. I comforted myself by saying, "Let's just sleep," but I couldn't sleep. I got up. I found a down vest, put it on the front, and touched the soft touch, and fell into old thoughts.
Since birth, the younger child has always played with a soft sky blue blanket. He tried to drag the blanket out wherever he went. The blanket faded and worn out. No matter how similar a new one was given, he didn't like it. After repeating the give-and-take blanket, I gave him a brown teddy bear with the same tactile feel. He looked for the blanket for a while, and gave up. He held the teddy bear and was quiet.
The teddy bear has also become old and dirty. I sewed up a bunch of protruding inner flesh of the bear. It could no longer be repaired, so I hid it in the closet. The child looked for it, and I gave the teddy bear and hid it repeatedly. And then I threw it in the trash. Day after day, the child rummaged through the trash can to find the teddy bear.
Since then, the child has frequently touched the soft flesh of his armpit instead of the bear doll.
"Are you touching your armpits because I threw away the teddy bear?"
"My brother was so fussy that mom was only focusing on the brother. So I kept quiet with the teddy bear so that I wouldn't give you a hard time."
"Oh, I'm sorry. The bear was so dirty that I threw it away because it was not hygienic. I loved you the same as your brother, right?"
"Yes, I know."
The child is right. It was very difficult to raise my eldest child because he didn't leave my side crying to eat from time to time. He grabbed my collarbone and hung on to it, which was dry and dented. I was in fear of getting hurt by the child who kept running.
The younger child was quiet without kicking even when he was in my belly. Even after he was born, he didn't bother me. The only time the child bothered me was when he hid the blanket and the teddy bear and didn't give it to him. As the child grows up, he moves silently and made the family laugh with his charming humor.
"Mom didn't see you angry. How can a person not be angry?"
"Mom, do I get money from being angry? Why am I angry for nothing?"
Is it a silent rebellion?
"I'll buy you a teddy bear for this Christmas present. Forgive me."
"No, I'm fine now. There's a Nike (French bulldog). Nike looks like my bear. It's so lovely. All I need is Nike.”
Just as I sleep while wearing a down vest,, my child puts Nike on his stomach and sleeps touching it gently. Why did I throw away my child's precious blanket and teddy bear then? I regret it. I was so sorry for my child that I couldn't sleep.
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