What am I going to do?

A divorced friend was living alone when she met a man she had a crush on. Single, they fell in love. While listening to the sweet love story of a friend she met in his twilight years, I suddenly remembered a heartbreaking past.

I had a childhood crush. A friend introduced me to him and I fell in love with him the moment I met him. Not too tall, not too short, deep, intelligent eyes without eyelids, an engineering student, he was also a musician who played the violin at the National Theater (formerly Myeongdong Arts Center). He looked at me with a sour expression and said.

"I'm in love with an older woman, and I came out to forget her." 

I always wonder why only men with stories like this get caught! I met him one more time with my friends. I heard that the man was going to the army. I was struggling and courageously called. When he said he was busy with a farewell party and was about to hang up, I begged him, "I want to meet you." 

It was raining like crazy that day. I stood in front of the building on Jongno 3-ga, where he was having a farewell party, dressed in my newly purchased clothes. He didn't come. The rain-soaked blue clothes became darker and darker, almost black, and my small figure buried in the dark clothes was very shabby. As I waited anxiously for him, I hesitated: Should I go or wait? I felt like I would regret it later if I didn't wait. 

He showed up late and said he had to go in a hurry, so I asked, "Can I write you?" "Is there really a need for that?" he replied. When I barely raised my head to meet him, his eyes were so cold. Leaving me out in the rain, his sturdy back disappeared into the building where the farewell party was held. I stood for a while like a rain-soaked street lamp that had been there since before I was born. When I returned home, I suffered from severe body aches for several days.

That's all I've ever had to do with him, but my rain-soaked shabbiness and his brief words, uttered with a cold gaze, were imprinted on my heart. Was his last name Han? Was it Kwon? I don't remember.

It's a ridiculous fantasy, but I tried to keep my thin waist so that the men I had a crush on I might meet one day would not be disappointed by my appearance. What am I going to do if I meet them! My memory of that rainy day is bone-chillingly clear, but he wouldn't even remember me at all. By the way, he may still be alive, like old acquaintances around me who slowly disappear like losing teeth.

I can't believe I am talking about my crush. There's no difficulty in living, so I talk about something weird.