Where are you going

When I lie on my side under a warm blanket, curling my knees and closing my eyes, I fall asleep gently, like I’m in my mother’s arms. If I open my eyes by chance and see my husband’s big face next to me, I wake up completely.

I am happy to have my children and my husband. But I don’t feel the deep and warm love that I received from my mom. My mom always listened to me and tried hard to do what I wanted. But my husband often says “NO” first when I ask him to do something with me. I usually stay quiet because I know how he is, but sometimes there are things we must do together! If I argue, he might change his answer to “YES,” but in that process, we argue loudly, and I get tired and give up.

One day, I walked alone by the beach. My husband, who stayed behind, looked smaller and smaller, and then I couldn’t see him anymore. In the past, I would look around to find him when I couldn’t see him. But this time, I felt free. My steps felt lighter. I suddenly thought, “What if I don’t go back? What if I just disappear?”

What would happen if I kept walking away from my husband like this?

These days, I hear that many people just disappear. Should I go until I can’t return anymore? Or should I walk into the wide ocean and disappear forever? The big waves were coming closer, as if they were going to swallow me.

I remember when I was a little girl, walking outside in the evening. A man walking toward me suddenly said,

“Where are you going?”

I didn’t know him. I thought, 

“Why does he care where I go? What a strange man.”

I started to walk faster, but then I turned around and asked,

“Mister, do you know me?”

He said,

“Don’t walk around so late. Go home early.”

He looked worried and walked away quickly. 

Now, I look around and want to hear someone ask,

“Where are you going? Why are you walking so far away?”

I want someone to truly care about me. But there is no one.

So I turn back and walk slowly with heavy steps, back toward my husband, who always says “NO.”