7년 전, 젊은 나이에 형님이 갑자기 저세상으로 가시고 아주버니는 몇 달 전에 재혼했다. 새 식구가 된 형님을 시집살이시킬 수가 없었다. 시부모 옆에 사는 1.5세 막내 동서는 그동안 시할머니, 시아버지 그리고 형님 제사까지 지내느라 고생이 많았다.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
차례상 앞에서
7년 전, 젊은 나이에 형님이 갑자기 저세상으로 가시고 아주버니는 몇 달 전에 재혼했다. 새 식구가 된 형님을 시집살이시킬 수가 없었다. 시부모 옆에 사는 1.5세 막내 동서는 그동안 시할머니, 시아버지 그리고 형님 제사까지 지내느라 고생이 많았다.
Friday, February 10, 2012
In front of a memorial service table
“Mother, I think I should be the one to hold the memorial rites now.”
“Oh, that would be so wonderful!”
My mother-in-law, who had sounded weak from illness, suddenly raised her voice in joy.
Seven years ago, my husband’s older brother’s wife passed away unexpectedly at a young age. A few months ago, he remarried. We couldn’t expect the new wife to take on the ancestral rites. My youngest sister-in-law, who lives near my parents-in-law, had already been taking care of all the memorials—for my husband’s grandmother, his father, and even his late brother’s wife. It was a lot of work.
“It’s hard work. Just hold a simple memorial for your father-in-law on the Lunar New Year and Chuseok with the foods he liked.”
“I’ll do it only while I’m alive. I won’t pass this down to the kids.”
“Alright. Thank you.”
“And when the time comes, I’ll also do the memorial for you.”
“No need. When I’m gone, don’t bother with anything.”
I looked up how to prepare a memorial table online. But if I followed all the traditional formalities, I knew I’d give up after a few tries. So I decided to stick with what my mother-in-law said: just use the foods my father-in-law liked.
He had worked with the U.S. military since the Korean War, using the English he learned in his youth. He lived inside the U.S. 8th Army base and came home only once a week. After serving in Vietnam, he worked abroad in places like New Zealand, Miami, Australia, Papua New Guinea, and more. In the early 1970s, he brought his family to L.A. as immigrants, but he continued working in Alaska until retirement.
Because of his long life overseas, he didn’t enjoy traditional Korean food. He wouldn’t touch strong-flavored dishes like fermented seafood or heavily seasoned food. Instead, he loved black coffee from McDonald’s, red wine, and simple frozen meals from the supermarket. But he really loved Korean pears.
On the morning of the memorial day, my husband and I went jogging and then stopped at McDonald’s to get black coffee for the table. We added the red wine, pears, and frozen food we had prepared the day before. It was a true Seoul–New York fusion memorial table.
I thought we’d have a quiet moment with our kids, remembering their grandfather over this simple spread. But—well...
As I placed the carefully made dumpling soup on the table, my husband frowned.
“No vegetables? No pancakes? No fish?”
He started listing all the traditional Korean foods he wanted but didn’t see, clearly upset.
Now I understood why he was so happy when I offered to take over the memorials.
“You said we should keep it simple with the foods your father liked.”
“Still, this is too much of a shortcut.”
“Well then, why don’t you prepare everything the traditional way—write the spirit tablet, cook the full course, and follow all the rituals properly? You just want to bow a few times and start eating.”
“Shhh, quiet. Don’t fight in front of the table. Your father’s spirit might turn around and leave without even tasting anything!”