I usually only walk on paths I know well. So going across the river to New Jersey is not easy for me. But I told myself, “You are going to New Jersey to see a friend you miss.” I tried to calm myself the night before.
A man walked onto the subway. His pants were hanging below his hips. He sat down across from me. He stared at me. I looked away so I wouldn’t meet his eyes.nHe shouted,
“Chinese blah blah. COVID blah blah. Go back to China!”
If I was unlucky, this man could hit me. I might not go home today. I could even die. I was scared. But if I suddenly stood up and changed seats, it might make him angrier. So I just stayed quiet like a shadow.
There were many people around. That made me feel a little safer. But I wasn’t sure if anyone would help me if he hit me. Most people would probably just record it with their phones.
After yelling for a while, he stood up as if he was coming closer to me.
I remembered what my kids always say:
“Mom, if you feel danger, run away. You look small and weak. That makes you an easy target. Just run to a safe place.”
Their words made me jump up. I quickly moved away from him. He sat back down and kept shouting
“Chinese blah blah. COVID blah blah. Go back to China!”
The people around us stayed quiet. It felt like we were on a stage. They just watched like it was a show. The subway stopped. I quickly got off.
If something bad happened to me and I died today, my husband might meet a younger woman. He might enjoy life again. Like throwing away an old car and getting a new one. My kids would be sad for a while. But after some time, they would forget me.
No one knows what will happen in the future. No one knows when or where they will die. Maybe I will go home today and everything will be fine. Or maybe I won’t. Someone else might take my place. After I die, people will do whatever they want with my things. And the world will keep going. People may even forget I existed. Some people may think, “Is this woman depressed?”
But I’m just speaking the truth.
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