Going across the river to New Jersey isn't easy for me, who insists on sticking to the path I can walk. From the night before, I'd been coaxing myself to go to New Jersey to see a friend I'd missed.
A man with his pants below his hips stumbled into the subway. Sits down across from me. He glares at me. I looked away, trying to avoid eye contact.
"Chinese blah blah blah. Covid blah blah blah. Go back to China."
He shouted. If I'm unlucky, I'll be beaten by this guy and I won't be able to go home today, and I might end up in another world. I'm scared, but if I get up and move, I'll draw his attention and make it worse. I just sat there like a shadow, holding my breath. There are quite a few people around. It's a little reassuring, but there's no guarantee they'll help me if I get beaten up. They'll probably just point their cameras at me.
After cursing at me for a while, he stumbles to his feet and tries to get closer to me.
"Mom, if you feel like you're in danger, run. You're small and weak and easy targets. You should run and get to safety."
The nagging from children made me jump. I hurried to get away from him. He sat back down in his seat and started shouting hoarsely, non-stop, about Chinese blah blah blah. The people around me were silent. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, as if they were watching us on a stage. The subway stopped. I scrambled out.
If something happened to me and I disappeared, my husband would have a chance to meet a younger woman and have an exciting life. It would be like getting rid of an old car and trading it in for a new one. My children would have a hard time for a while, but then they would forget me.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know when or where we will die. It could be today. If I'm lucky, I'll go home and keep my place, and if I'm unlucky, someone else will take my place. No matter who decides what happens to me after death, I have no control over it. And the world will go on, as if such a woman never existed. Without me.
Someone might think I have depression, but I'm telling the truth.
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