I'd rather be arrogant

“Mrs. Lee is such a proud woman,”

said a church deaconess sitting next to me out of nowhere.

“Proud? What do you mean?” I asked.

“You don’t believe in God. you only believes in yoerself. That’s the proof of your pride. you should start going to church right away.”

I almost said, “Does going to church mean you believe in God?” but I swallowed the words and looked up at the sky, saying, “Oh Lord…”

I’ve lived a long life as an immigrant and always tried to be thankful and joyful, even through tough times. I was lucky—never cheated, never suffered any big injustice. But what I’m about to tell you now really bothers me.

I like my younger sister-in-law very much in L.A. She’s kind. She doesn’t bother me. And she treats me well. I tried to follow her advice—and that’s where I made a mistake. One day, she said,

“I think we should join a funeral support plan (sang-jo-hoe) for our parent-in-law.”

I didn’t really know what a sang-jo-hoe was, but since she was kind and sincere, I agreed. Later, I found out the bill was only for my mother-in-law’s share. My sister-in-law no longer had to pay her share of the funeral fund because our father-in-law passed away early.

From 1993 to mid-2016, I paid the full $15,000 for my mother-in-law without missing a single month. The funeral fund was run by a church, and I also paid yearly membership fees. But over those 23 years, the rules kept changing. At first, they promised: “Pay $14,250 over 20 years, and after death, you’ll receive $15,000.”

But later they changed the rule to say: “Even if you fully pay $15,000, we’ll only return $14,250.” The reason? “Church finances are tight.”

They told me to consider the extra $750 as a donation. No apology. Just a casual, “Donating is a good thing,”—even to me, someone who doesn’t go near church. And the rules kept changing again. I started to worry: What if they change the rules again when my mother-in-law passes away? What if they ask me to donate all instead of giving me the promised money?

If they created a funeral fund to collect money from elderly people, shouldn’t there have been a financial expert involved? But it felt like they just shook an abacus and made random decisions. Even if I had buried that money in the ground, I could’ve dug it up and still had the full amount. I’m not a financial expert, but even I started investing in Vanguard index funds in 2007 and grew my money. Why did I join this funeral plan and act foolishly for 27 years? I blamed myself and kept regretting it.

There’s a story about a man who went to a fortune teller.

She told him, “Beware—you may die by a lion.”

He thought, “As long as I avoid the zoo, I’ll be safe.”

But one day, he sat under a lion statue, fell asleep, and was crushed when the statue collapsed.

I’ve often been told I’m proud because I don’t go to church. But I’ve always kept my distance to avoid being involved in the messy things that happen inside churches. Still, like the man who stayed away from the zoo but died anyway, I avoided church, yet I got dragged into a funeral fund run by a church, with its rules changing again and again—until now, I feel completely crushed. I’d rather be called proud than go through this!