Even though I knew it would

I had a medical check-up. There was nothing wrong with the blood test, the doctor said. However, the urine test revealed a small amount of blood that can be seen under a microscope. I was checked again. It was found again. I was sent to the Special Doctor.

I was frequently called in for a kidney test and another test due to a CT scan. An irritation came over me. The conclusion I searched for on Google was that after trying the tests, I would be diagnosed with nothing. So I tried to cancel the rest of my reservation.

I talked to my son about my situation. He checked his doctor's friend about the CT scan and said me to to have it. I said no because I was tired. "Why aren’t you listening to me?" He scolded me as if he was scolded by me when he was child.

The nurse asked if I was a contrast allergy before the CT scan. I said I don't know. I signed. My ears and throat were itched during the injection. Suddenly, the nurse went out to call a doctor. Another nurse and doctor came. The right side of the throat seemed to be tightening. The doctor asked me this and that. The nurse stuck by my side and kept measuring blood pressure. Blood pressure increased and my throat tightened.

From right to left, like put a latch on my throat, the breath became stuffy and hard to swallow. Another doctor came and gave Benadryl a shot. There was a commotion about putting me in bed and calling for a guardian. They had to move me to the emergency room. For a moment, I though that death is approaching me like this! I felt that dying wasn't so bad and I felt strangely comfortable. Wouldn't it be better to go now than to live in a agony and come in and out of the hospital in painfully? Without being bothered by the worlds? I gave up myself.

If I was alone and choked, I would have been nervous, but I was lying on a clean white bed. I felt at ease, perhaps because Asian doctor with good features, Indian doctor and older nurse were around me. Either Kill me or save me they'll take care of it. I think I felt asleep for a while lying down looking at the ceiling. As soon as the nurse shook me to drink water, the clasp that blocked my throat seemed to be slightly loosened.

It must have been a combination of contrast allergy and tension effected. My tension always follows me like a shadow and makes the problem worse. The test results showed that everything's okay! Even though I knew it would.

I suddenly occur to me that wouldn't it be better to lie on a white sheet and die? Why? Living is very tiring.