A person who is good at NO

"Hi, I’m going to New York. I called because I wanted to see you."
That was a voicemail—not from a friend, but from a friend’s younger sister. A voice I didn’t even recognize.

A long time ago, I came home one evening after running errands. In the dark, that same younger sister was standing at my door with a huge suitcase. She followed me inside, put two bottles of wine on the table, and started drinking, maybe to ease the awkwardness. Then she stayed at my place for about ten days and left. Now, is she calling again to stay at my house? What does she expect me to do?

Maybe she feels excited about her trip, but I didn’t feel so great listening to that message. I have a busy life too—running around all day. And honestly, I’ve had some unpleasant experiences with guests in the past. No matter how much I tried to be kind, something about the way I live—maybe the little American habits I’ve picked up—must have made them uncomfortable. Even when I let them stay, they left saying they felt “disappointed.”

Most visitors seem determined to save money on hotels just to buy one more luxury item.
They come with no regard for the host’s personal space. They only focus on their own trip goals.
They say things like:
“Why are you making a big deal out of this?”
“I only come to New York once in a while.”
“Koreans shouldn't treat each other like this.”
“You’ve become too American.”
“This isn’t how people should live.”

Whether I let them stay or not, the result is the same—they always leave feeling “disappointed.”
I even heard a story of a woman who let a guest stay and ended up losing her husband. What more needs to be said?

Why can’t anyone just call and say,
“I’m staying at a hotel. If you’re free, let’s meet for coffee.”
Why can’t they be polite and classy, like someone calling from a hotel lobby? In over 30 years of living in the U.S., maybe three people have ever done that—about once every 10 years. Isn’t Korea supposed to be a developed country now? And still, people don’t think their sleeping arrangements matter much, even when they’re on a long trip.

Dear friend’s sister, You didn’t call because you want to stay at my house again… right?
You’re grown now, doing well, eating well. I hope you just stay comfortably at a hotel this time.

Let me be clear: letting people stay at my place is now a firm “No.” There was a time I struggled because I didn’t say no. Then there was a time I was vague about it—and that hurt even more.
Eventually, I decided to become someone who’s good at saying no. The first time is the hardest. But once I got better at saying it, problems started to go away. Still… why does it feel so uncomfortable in my heart?