A whine of drink

“My dear, if you keep drinking like this, you’ll become an alcoholic!”

“I’m not addicted!”

“Let’s try stopping for just one month.”

“My only joy in life is drinking a glass of wine in the evening. If I can’t even do that, what do I have to enjoy?”

A long time ago, a senior who lived in Paris told me,

“White wine can be addictive, so be careful. But red wine is good for your blood.”

So I started drinking one or two glasses of cheap California wine every evening.

Thinking of dinner without wine made me lose the will to cook. I just put a pot of soybean paste stew (된장찌개) on the table. Neither of us said a word. Only the sound of chewing and clinking dishes filled the room. My husband quickly finished eating, got up with his empty bowl, washed only his own dishes, and went to the living room to watch TV.

Left alone at the table, the food tasted bland. I didn’t even have the energy to wash the dishes.

Just like how labor workers get their energy from alcohol, I also used to clean the house well when I was a bit tipsy. I just cleaned up quickly, lay in bed, read a book, and fell asleep early.

“The weather is chilly. How about spicy stir-fried squid and a glass of wine tonight?”

“Sounds good!”

My husband got excited, stir-frying squid and vegetables while jokingly saying silly Chinese words like “Ni hao ma~ Xie xie.” He talked nonstop, repeating the same stories again and again like he was telling them for the first time. We kept pouring wine for each other and had no intention of leaving the dinner table...

I drank when it rained sadly, when I remembered the past in the snow, when I felt good, when I felt upset. There were so many reasons to drink — and so I drank again and again for years. Now, stopping what I did for so long, it feels like a machine has stopped turning. It’s quiet and empty. Just like how people rush home to watch their favorite drama, I looked forward to one glass of wine at dinner. How can I explain this emptiness without wine?

“People say couples feel bored after many years. Do you think we have that too?”

“I’m too busy to feel bored. That’s just what lazy people say.”

We used to feel confident that we weren’t one of those couples. But maybe this is what boredom feels like — and it came the moment we stopped drinking. Now, we don’t talk much. Before, we didn’t fight because we had to drink together at dinner. But now, I feel heavy emotions slowly building inside.

When people used to say,

“You and your husband look like a happy couple,”

I nodded proudly and agreed. But now I realize — maybe our happy relationship was helped by alcohol!

Yesterday, I went to an art opening and quickly drank three or four glasses of wine. My body felt soft like jelly. Holding onto my husband’s arm, I said,

“This won’t work. I think we need wine to be close.”

“Oh! I was thinking the same thing.”

“Let’s drink again. Just one glass a day, okay?”

“Then promise me.”

We may not be an artist, but we are a alcohol lover.