약속과 거짓말

아주 오래전 나는 한 아이에게 상처를 줬다. 의도하지는 않았지만 거짓말을 해야 했다. 오랜 세월이 흘렀지만 지금도 아이의 울부짓던 모습이 눈에 선하다. 

내가 사는 아파트 옆에 한국 할머니가 사셨다. 복도에서 만나면 몇 마디 인사를 나눌 정도다. 어느 날 인사를 나누다가 잠시 서울에 다녀온다고 말씀드렸더니 며칠 후에 연락이 왔다. 

"아이 아버지가 미국에 자리 잡으러 먼저 왔어요. 아이 엄마는 남편이 이제나저제나 불러주기를 기다렸지만, 연락이 없자 남편 찾아서 아이를 데리고 뉴욕에 왔다는군. 남편이 사는 주소로 찾아가 여러 날 아파트 문가에서 기다리며 밤샘을 했지만, 남편을 만나지 못했다네. 혼자서 아이를 키우며 고생하다 재혼할 남자를 만났는데 그 남자가 아이는 받아들일 수가 없다니 어째겠어. 남편 부모에게 아이를 보내야지. 아이를 서울 갈때 데려가 줬으면 하는데."

아이의 엄마는 슬픈 모습으로 세상모르고 자는 아이를 안고 공항에 나왔다. 

"김포공항에 아이를 데리러 할아버지가 나올거예요. 잘 부탁해요."  

아이를 내게 안겨주며 울면서 우리의 모습이 보이지 않을 때까지 서 있었다.

비행기 안에서 자던 아이가 깨어 울며 엄마를 찾았다. 아이 이름을 부르며 달랬다. 비행기 안이 어두워 엄마 얼굴을 확인 못 한 아이는 다시 잠이 들었다. 알래스카에서 잠시 내렸다 타야 했다. 불이 켜지자 아이는 엄마를 찾으며 울기 시작했다. 아무리 달래도 막무가내였다. 

“너 자꾸 울면 엄마에게 데려다주지 않는다.” 

반 협박 조로 달랬다. 아이는 잠시 생각하는 표정이더니 울음을 그쳤다. 상황이 심각하다는 것을 감지 한 아이는 자기 이름을 아는 아줌마를 잊어버리면 다시는 엄마를 볼 수 없다는 생각에 내 옆에 꼭 붙어 있었다. 내 눈치를 보며 고분고분 말 잘 듣는 아이와 나는 꽤 친해졌다. 아무것도 모른 채 엄마로부터 점점 멀어져 가고 있다는 생각을 하니 마음 아팠다.

김포공항에 도착해서 친할아버지에게 가지 않으려고 아이는 울며불며 나에게 매달렸다. 갓난아기 때 헤어진 할아버지가 누군지 어떻게 알겠는가. 잠에서 깨어나니 엄마는 없고, 자기 이름을 아는 아줌마가 ‘엄마에게 데려다준다’고 해서 말 잘 듣고 따라온 아이였다. 믿고 따라온 아줌마는 거짓말을 하며 알지도 못하는 할아버지에게 자기를 맡기니 당황해서 어쩔 줄 몰라 내 치맛자락을 붙들고 떨어지지 않으려고 했다.

할아버지에게 붙들린 아이는 돌아서 가는 나를 향해 원망스러운 표정으로 

“엄마, 엄마” 

부르며 내게 오겠다고 발버둥을 쳤다.

부모의 이혼이 아이의 몸을 반으로 자르는 것과 같은 큰 상처를 준다고 한다. 난 그 아이에게 주는 상처에 공범자가 되었다. 그런 일을 하겠다고 자초한 나 자신이 한심했다. 아이가 어려서 기억 못 하기를 바라지만, 만약 기억한다면, 나의 거짓말이 세상에 태어나서 처음으로 그 아이에게 가장 커다란 상처를 주었을 것이다. 지금쯤 서른 살이 됐을 아이가 어디선가 부디 행복하게 살기를 진심으로 바랄 뿐이다. 

Promises and lies

A long time ago, I hurt a child. I didn’t mean to, but I had to tell a lie.

Even after many years, I still remember the child crying so sadly.

There was a Korean grandmother who lived next to my apartment.

We would say hello when we met in the hallway. One day, while talking with her, I told her I was going to visit Seoul for a short time. A few days later, she called me.

She said,

"The child’s father came to America first to find work. The mother waited and waited for him to bring them over, but he never called.

So she took the child and came to New York to find him. She went to his address and waited outside the apartment for days and nights,

but he never came out.

She raised the child alone and later met another man, but he said he couldn’t accept the child. What else could she do? She decided to send the child to the father’s parents in Korea. Can you please take the child with you when you go to Seoul?"

At the airport, the mother came holding her sleeping child in her arms.

She looked very sad. She said,

“The grandfather will meet you at Gimpo Airport. Please take good care of my child.”

She handed me the child and stood there crying until we disappeared from her sight.

On the plane, the child woke up and started crying for his mother. I called his name and tried to comfort him. It was dark inside the plane, so he couldn’t see my face clearly and soon fell asleep again. We had to stop in Alaska. When the lights came on, he saw me clearly and cried louder for his mom. No matter what I said, he wouldn’t stop crying. I said, half as a warning,

“If you keep crying, I won’t take you back to your mom.”

The child stopped crying and looked like he was thinking. He realized something was wrong. He thought,

“If I forget this lady who knows my name, I may never see my mom again.”

He stayed very close to me, followed everything I said, and we became quite close. But I felt sad, knowing he was getting farther away from his mother without even knowing it.

At Gimpo Airport, the child cried and clung to me. He didn’t want to go to his grandfather. He had been a baby when he last saw him—how could he know who this man was? He had trusted me, the lady who knew his name, and followed me because I said I would take him to his mom. Now, I was giving him to someone he didn’t know. He grabbed my skirt and wouldn’t let go. As the grandfather pulled him away, the child looked at me with a hurt, angry face. He screamed,

“Mom! Mom!”

and tried to run after me.

People say that divorce is like cutting a child in two. I became part of that pain. I hated myself for agreeing to do it. Maybe the child was too young and doesn’t remember. But if he does, my lie may have been the first and biggest wound in his life. Now, he must be around thirty years old. I truly hope he is living happily somewhere in the world.

어느 사채업자의 최후

비가 온종일 추적추적 내렸다. 브루클린 G 트레인 나소 애비뉴 역 입구에서 한 중늙은이가 우산도 쓰지 않은 채 두리번거리고 있었다. 두꺼운 돋보기안경 너머로 눈을 부릅뜬 채 누군가를 찾는 모양이었다. 퇴근 시간, 지하철 계단을 꾸역꾸역 올라오는 사람들을 프랭크는 하나하나 뚫어지게 노려봤다. 대머리 밑, 미간의 굵은 두 줄 주름이 더욱 깊게 패였다. 휘둥그레 뜬 두 눈은 불안하게 흔들렸고 작은 입은 굳게 다물려 있었다.

그의 이름은 프랭크로 사채업자다. 우리부부는 그를 1987년에 처음 만났다. 자리 잡아 살아보려고 자금을 구하던 중 그를 소개받았다. 이자율은 1부로 개인이자 치고는 좋은 편이다. 돈을 빌리고 5년 동안 잘 갚았더니 언제든지 꿔주겠다고 했다.

프랭크는 건물 여러 채와 현찰이 많은 싱글이다. 그와 통화하기란 쉽지 않다. 돈을 아끼려고 받기만 하고 걸 수는 없는 전화를 사용하기 때문이다. 우리 부부가 그를 만나려면 아침 일찍 집으로 찾아가야 했다.  

프랭크는 항상 같은 조끼와 양복을 입었다. 말이 양복이지 몇십 년은 입었는지 나달나달했다. 옷에서는 악취가 났다. 비라도 오는 날이면 숨조차 쉴 수 없을 정도로 심했다. 기름에 찌든 양복은 빗방울도 스며들지 않을 정도로 반들거렸다.그의 가슴은 방탄조끼를 입은 듯 부풀어 있다. 조끼와 양복 주머니엔 여러 개의 수첩이 꽂혀있기 때문이다. 사채기록인 수첩들은 고무줄로 꽁꽁 묶어져 있어 고무줄을 푸는 데만도 시간이 꽤 걸렸다. 우리 부부는 고무줄을 풀고 수첩에서 우리의 기록을 찾을 때까지 악취를 참고 기다려야 했다. 돈을 빌리기 위해서는 그만한 고통쯤이야.

수첩을 꺼내면 그의 심각한 표정이 갑자기 행복한 미소로 바뀐다. 돈을 모으고, 빌려주고, 거기서 생기는 이자로 불어나는 재산을 보니 즐거운 모양이다. 돈 세는 일에만 빠져 사는 그는 돈 쓰는 즐거움은 전혀 모르는 듯했다.

젊었을 때 그는 동네 영화관에서 티켓 받는 일을 했다고 한다. 극장에서 일하며 한푼 두푼 모은 돈으로 사채놀이를 해서 지금의 재산을 일구었다. 여자를 사귀고 싶어도 어렵게 모은 재산을 잃을까 두려워 결혼도 하지 않았단다. 평생 혼자 외롭게 살며 가까이 지내는 친구도 일가친척도 없단다.

어느 날부터인가 체크를 보내도 돈이 빠져나가지 않았다. 6개월쯤 지나자 그의 변호사로부터 편지가 왔다. 앞으로는 ‘프랭크 비로식 에스테이트’로 체크를 보내라고. 그가 죽었다는 것이다. 평소에는 가까이도 하지 않은 필라델피아에 사는 먼 친척 여동생에게 상속됐단다. 새 양복 한벌 입어 보지 못하고 모은 그 많은 재산을 두고 어찌 눈을 감았을까?

The end of a loan shark

It rained all day. At the entrance of the G Train in Nassau Avenue, Brooklyn, a man looked around without using an umbrella. He opened his eyes wide over his thick magnifying glasses and was looking for someone in the entrance of the subway.

"Hi," I said. He didn't pretend to know. In a very serious situation, it seemed to be looking for someone who ran away with his money.

His name was Frank, a private moneylender. We first met him in 1987. I was introduced to him while I was looking for money to settle down and live. The interest rate was 1 percent. After borrowing money and paying it off well for five years, He said he would lend money at any time.

Frank was a single with many buildings and lots of cash. It's not easy to get hold of him. We had to go his home early in the morning to see him.

Frank always wore a same suit and a vest. The suit was worn for decades. The clothes smelled. Even on rainy days, the smell was so bad that I couldn't even breathe. The oil-stained suit was so smooth that it wouldn't even penetrate raindrops. Several small notebooks were stuck in the vest and suit pocket. His heart was swollen as if he were wearing a bulletproof vest. The notebooks, which were records of debentures, were tied tightly with rubber bands. It took quite a while to unwind the rubber band. My husband and I had to put up with the stink and waited until he untied the rubber band and found our records in the notebook.

Took out his notebook and his serious face turned into a happy smile. It seemed to be a pleasure to collect, lend, and to see the wealth rising with the interest that. He seemed to have no idea of the pleasure of spending money, living only on the count of money.

When he was young, he was said to have worked at a local movie theater. He made his fortune by private loan business, while working in a theater. He didn't even get married because he was afraid he'd lose his hard-earned fortune even if he wanted to date a girl. He has lived alone all his life, and he didn't have any close friends or family members.

One day or another, even if I sent a check, He didn't withdraw the money. About six months later, a letter came from his lawyer. From now on, send a check to Frank Birosick Estate. He's dead.

His wealth was inherited to a distant relative sister in Philadelphia, who was not normally close. How could he have closed his eyes because he felt bad about all the wealth he had accumulated without he hasn’t tried on a new suit?