I'm here.

"I'm here, in the forest. Look at me," the fireflies seem to twinkle at me. I turn my head towards the dark forest, which looks like Christmas tree lights blinking repeatedly, and follow the lights. The fireflies even land on my black clothes, lighting them up. I look closely. Their heads are pink and their wings are black. It's a stylish combination.

This summer, the heat started early. The heatwave continues. I've changed my daily schedule. I take a walk in the park at dawn, and when I return home, I draw the curtains on all the windows. I turn on the ceiling fan and sit still to work. In the evening, I turn on the air conditioner and go to the park. I sit on a bench and watch the fireflies, returning home when darkness seeps into the ground. There are more fireflies this year than any other year.

I'm always alone. My husband leaves for his studio at 7 a.m. and returns at 7 p.m. He is so absorbed in his work that he even goes on Sundays. I actually prefer it when he goes out. The one thing we both agree on is that neither of us feels lonely being alone. If I say I'm lonely, it will be hard for him, and if he's lonely, it will be hard for me. We don't have much in common, but we both prefer being alone.

Sometimes I think of a story about a woman, an example of self-actualization from Maslow's hierarchy of needs (physiological needs, safety needs, love and belonging needs, esteem needs, self-actualization needs). This woman retired at 50, gave half of her retirement money to her not-so-bad husband as part of the divorce settlement, and left Korea with a small backpack. She roams around Southeast Asia, working part-time jobs when she gets hungry, living as a free spirit on her own. She even has an Indian lover, another free spirit. They occasionally meet by chance, spend a night together, and then part ways, continuing their wandering lives.

I travel with my husband. But I never suggest we do anything else together. Do I have the courage to live like this woman wandering around Southeast Asia?

"Look at me. I'm here." An airplane caught in the sunset seems to gesture with a lonely motion. It seems to be saying, "I'm lonely too, just like you." When I look around, everyone seems lonely. It's the same even if you have a partner. My husband and I are like that airplane, each of us enjoying our own complete solitude without interfering with each other. We enjoy our freedom separately, in a state of calm.

마지막 버스

나는 로드트립에 관한 영화를 즐겨본다. 일상에서 벗어나 새로운 것을 보고 새로운 사람을 만나 새로운 분위기를 느끼고 싶어서다. 

‘마지막 버스’(The Last Bus)라는 영화를 봤다. 한 병든 노인이 죽은 아내의 유골을 들고 스코틀랜드 북쪽 끝 마을인 존 오 그로츠(John o' Groats)를 떠나 잉글랜드 남서부, Land's End (850마일)로 여정을 떠난다. 지금은 노인이 되어 부인의 유골을 들고 가지만, 1950년대 이 부부는 어린 시절 비극의 아픈 기억에서 가능한 한 지리적으로 멀리 떨어져 있기를 원해 잉글랜드 집을 떠나 스코틀랜드 북쪽 끝 마을인 존 오 그로츠로 향했다. 

나도 한국을 떠난 이유가 있었다. 대학을 졸업하고 친구들은 다 결혼하고 신혼생활로 바빴다. 나는 남자 친구조차 없었다. 그나마 교사 임용고시로 선생이 된 후, 결혼하자는 남자들이 서너 명 나타났다. 교직 생활에 적응하지 못하는 내가 좋다는 남자와 결혼한다면 직장과 남편의 노예로 살아야 할 것이다. 노예해방의 돌파구로 유학을 선택했다.

다시 영화 이야기로 돌아가서, 병든 노인은 죽은 아내의 유골과 무료 버스 승차권과 지도를 들고 버스를 여러 번 갈아타면서 고향 아닌 고향을 향해 힘들게 여행한다. 여정 중 노인은 무슬림 여성을 괴롭히는 인종차별주의자인 술에 취한 사람과 용감하게 대항 하는 등 여러 사건으로 자신도 모르는 사이 전국적인 이야깃거리가 된다. 여행이 끝날 무렵 그 노인은 유명 인사가 되었다.

로드트립 영화를 보면 힘든 여정일지라도 자리를 박차고 어디론가 떠나고 싶다. 제자리에 고인 물로 남고 싶지 않다. 파도가 치대며 거품을 놓고 떠났다 다시 오듯 다리 성할 때 새로운 세상을 보고 싶다.

친정 식구가 모두 차 운전이 서툰 DNA를 가지고 태어났기 때문인지 난 차 운전에 서툴러 여러 번 사고를 냈다. 하지만, 걷는 것만큼은 자신 있다. 나도 플로리다까지 걸어서 가 볼까? 

Google 지도로 뉴욕시에서 플로리다까지 보행자 경로의 길이가 1,500마일이다. 맞는 계산인지 확실치 않지만, 한 시간에 2.5 마일 속도로 걷는다고 치면 600시간 정도 걸린다. 주머니에 크레딧카드와 신분증을 넣고 하루에 여섯시간씩 걸으면 4개월 정도 걸린다. 걷지 않는 휴식 시간을 더하면 일 년이 걸릴 것 같다. 가다가 힘들면 버스도 타고 옷과 신발이 낡고 더러워지면 버리고 사 신고 입으면 된다. 날이 저물면 쉴 곳을 찾아 들어가고 배가 고프면 식당에 앉아 쉬었다가 간다. 당장이라도 그냥 남쪽으로 걸어가면 어느 아늑한 해안 마을에 도착할 것 같다. 

영화 ‘마지막 버스’에서는 노인의 여행이 감상적으로 단조롭고 평탄한 길처럼 느껴진다. 영화와 달리 현실에서는 과연 내가 길바닥에서 얻어터져 객사하지 않고 플로리다까지 갈 수 있을까?

The Last Bus

I enjoy watching movies about road trips. I want to escape from daily life, see new things, meet new people, and feel new atmospheres.

I watched a movie called "The Last Bus." An ill old man, carrying his deceased wife's ashes, embarks on a journey from John o' Groats, a village at the northern tip of Scotland, to Land's End in southwestern England (850 miles). Although now an old man carrying his wife's ashes, in the 1950s this couple left their home in England to head to John o' Groats, as far away geographically as possible, to escape the painful memories of a tragic childhood.

I also had a reason for leaving Korea. After graduating from university, all my friends got married and were busy with their newlywed lives. I didn't even have a boyfriend. After becoming a teacher through the teacher certification exam, three or four men appeared who wanted to marry me. If I married a man who liked me, even though I couldn't adapt to the teaching profession, I would have to live as a slave to my job and husband. As a breakthrough for emancipation, I chose to study abroad.

Returning to the movie, the ill old man, carrying his wife's ashes along with a free bus pass and a map, travels with great difficulty by transferring buses multiple times, heading towards his hometown, or rather, not-hometown. During his journey, he becomes a nationwide story without even realizing it, by bravely standing up to a drunk racist who harasses a Muslim woman, among other incidents. By the end of the journey, he becomes a famous figure.

Watching road trip movies makes me want to get up and go somewhere, even if the journey is tough. I don't want to remain stagnant like still water. Just like waves crashing, foaming, and returning, I want to see the new world while my legs are still strong.

Perhaps because my entire family was born with DNA that makes them bad drivers, I too am a poor driver and have had many accidents. However, I am confident in my walking. Should I walk to Florida?

According to Google Maps, the walking route from New York City to Florida is 1,500 miles. I'm not sure if this is accurate, but if I walk at a pace of 2.5 miles per hour, it would take about 600 hours. If I walk six hours a day, it would take about four months. Adding rest time when I’m not walking, it would probably take a year. If it gets tough along the way, I can take a bus. If my clothes and shoes wear out and get dirty, I can buy new ones. When night falls, I can find a place to rest, and when I'm hungry, I can sit and rest at a restaurant. If I just start walking south right now, I feel like I could reach some cozy coastal town.

In the movie "The Last Bus," the old man's journey seems sentimentally simple and smooth. Unlike the movie, in reality, could I really make it to Florida without getting beaten up and dying on the roadside?

부풀어진 허리

몹시 흔들리는 크루즈에서 뱃멀미로 난리 치는 와중에 외국인 남편을 둔 나보다 나이 많은 한국분, 린다씨를 만났다. 그동안 여행 중 만난 사람 중에 가장 잘 통하는 부부였다. 내 남편은 한인을 만나도 반가워하지도 않고 어울리기를 꺼린다. 어쩐 일인지 이번엔 달랐다. 파도가 하도 쳐서 남편의 머리통이 어떻게 된 것인지? 아니면 오랜 바닷길에 지쳤는지? 남편은 매일 저녁을 같이하자는 그들의 제안을 거절하지 않았다. 

크루즈 여행에서 어쩌다 만나는 한국 여자들의 남편은 대부분 외국인이다. 산전수전 공중전까지 다 겪고 거듭난 여자들이다. 상대의 힘듦에 공감하고 격려하며 ​​​​​웃음으로 넘길 줄 안다. 

‘유머가 없는 사람은 스프링이 없는 마차와 같다. 길 위의 모든 돌멩이를 스칠 때마다 삐걱거린다.’

유머 감각이 없으면 모든 일에 삐걱거린다는 헨리 워드 비처(Henry ward Beecher)의 말처럼, 나이 들수록 개그를 할 줄 아는 사람에게 큰 매력을 느낀다. 

린다 부부와 있으면 있을수록 더 함께하고 싶었다. 그녀를 찾아 배 안에서 헤매고 있는 나 자신을 보고 의아해할 정도로 린다는 개그에 뛰어난 분이다. 대화 중간중간의 표정과 손놀림은 마치 타고난 연극배우가 아닌가 할 정도다. 내 남편은 점잔 떨다가도 그녀를 좋아하지 않을 수 없다는 듯 폭소하곤 했다. 그녀는 아는 것도 많고 솔직했다. 누구를 위해서 거짓말을 해야 하냐는 듯 당당했다. 

한인들이 오랜 기간 크루즈를 타면 한식을 먹지 못해 힘들다는 이야기를 들었다. 우리 부부는 이민 생활 자리 잡느라 닥치는 대로 끼니를 때우곤 했던 시절이 왕왕 있어서 한식 생각이 나지 않았다. 

“이태원에 살다 와서 그런가? 외국인들과도 거리낌도 없고 한식을 찾지 않네.”

남편은 내가 이태원에서 온 여자라서 그런다지만, 글쎄 아마 난 퓨전 인간인 것 같다.

신기하게 평생을 미국인과 산 린다는 한식을 찾았다. 랍스터, 스시, 사시미 등 산해진미가 가득 차려져 있는데도 야채로 김치 비슷하게 만들어 먹었다. 크루즈 뷔페에는 온갖 양념이 다 나와 있을 뿐만 아니라 달라면 준다. 그녀가 얼버무려 만든 음식은 꾀나 맛있다. 

“아예 린다가 우리 케빈에 식당을 차렸다니까.”

린다 남편이 옆에서 한식 비슷하게 만드는 린다를 보며 한마디 거들었다. 그도 된장찌개 안에 든 감자, 호박, 두부를 건져 먹는 것을 좋아한단다. 오히려 외국인과 사는 한인들이 나이 들수록 고국을 그리워하며 더욱더 한식을 찾는 듯하다. 내가 고생 할 때 먹은 감자가 제일 맛있어서 뷔페에서 끼니때마다 감자를 먹듯이.

나는 가늘던 허리가 부풀어서 크루즈에서 내렸다. 과연 내 허리가 크루즈 타기 전으로 돌아갈 수 있을지? 크루즈를 즐기지만, 뱃살 늘어나는 것 때문에 타기가 머뭇거려진다.

Bloated waist

On a wildly rocking cruise, in the midst of chaos from seasickness, I met Linda, an older Korean woman with a foreign husband. Among all the people I had met during my travels, they were the couple I connected with the most. Normally, my husband isn't thrilled about meeting Koreans and avoids socializing with them. But this time was different. Perhaps the relentless waves had knocked something loose in his head? Or maybe he was just weary from the long sea voyage? Whatever the reason, he didn’t decline their invitation to dine together every evening.

On cruises, the Korean women I occasionally encounter usually have foreign husbands. These are women who have been through all sorts of trials and emerged stronger. They empathize with and encourage each other and they know how to turn it over with laughter.

‘People without a sense of humor are like carriages without springs. Every pebble they encounter on the road makes them creak.’ As Henry Ward Beecher said. The older I get, the more attracted I am to those who can make me laugh.

The more time I spent with Linda and her husband, the more I wanted to be around them. I found myself wandering in the ship looking for her. She was amazed at how good she was at making jokes. Her expressions and gestures during conversations were like those of a natural-born actress. Even my usually reserved husband couldn’t help but burst into laughter around her. She was knowledgeable and straightforward, as if she saw no reason to lie for anyone.

I’d heard that Koreans who spend a long time on a cruise struggle with not being able to eat Korean food. My husband and I, having endured tough times during our early immigrant days when we ate whatever was available, didn’t particularly miss Korean food.

“Is it because you’re from Itaewon? You get along with foreigners and don’t crave Korean food,” my husband said, suggesting that my background made a difference. But I think I’m just a fusion human.

Interestingly, despite living with an American her whole life, Linda craved Korean food. Even with the abundance of delicacies like lobster, sushi, and sashimi available, she would make something similar to kimchi using vegetables. The cruise buffet had all kinds of seasonings, and they would provide anything upon request. The food she concocted was quite tasty.

“Linda’s practically opened a restaurant in our cabin,” her husband chimed in, watching her make something resembling Korean food. He liked picking out the potatoes, zucchini, and tofu in the doenjang-jjigae. It seems that Koreans living with foreigners tend to yearn for their homeland and Korean food even more as they age. Just like how I eat potatoes at every meal in the buffet because they remind me of the tough times when they were my main food.

I got off the cruise with a bloated waist. Will my waist ever return to its pre-cruise state? I enjoy cruising, but the thought of gaining belly fat makes me hesitant to board again.

그때 나한테 왜 그랬어?

"내가 아침 일찍 출근해서 저녁에 일 끝내고 올 때까지 왜 밥도 안치지 않고 있었어? 작업한다고 뒹굴기만 했잖아. 룸메이트도 마찬가지야. 두 남자가 조그만 여자가 일하고 차이나타운에서 장 봐 와서 밥상 차릴 때까지 꼼짝도 하지 않고. 그때 난 그래야만 하는 줄 알고 매일 밥상 차려다 바쳤어. 거의 40년 전 일이지만, 지금 와 생각해도 화가 치밀어. 기억나? 나에게 너무들 하지 않았어?”
조용히 듣기만 하던 남편이 잘못했다는 말은 하지 않고 
“기억나지. 너무하기도 했고. 마누라가 그 힘든 상황을 잘 견뎠으니까 여기까지 왔지.” 

“낑낑거리며 장 봐서 온 것도 받아주지 않고. 둘이 나를 멀뚱히 배고픈 눈으로 쳐다보기만 했잖아. 왜 내가 밥하고 음식하고 밥상 차리기만을 무작정 기다렸냐고. 상을 받아 든 너희들이 뭐랬는지 알아? ‘시골밥상 같다.’는 거야. 서울 한복판 남산동 출생인 내가 친정에서 밥 한번 해본 적 없는 내가 어떻게 음식을 만들 줄 알겠어. 왜 거들어 주지도 않고 불평만 했냐고. 무를 채 쓸어 미리 소금에 절이는지도 몰랐어. 무생채를 만들었더니 생무를 씹는다는 둥. 오징어 눈알을 빼고 껍질 벗기고 삶아야 하는데 그냥 삶았더니 눈알이 터진 먹물에서 오징어를 낚시해야 하냐는 둥.”  

“난 친정에서 자기 전에 간식을 항상 먹었어. 그런데 먹을 간식도 없었지만, 한밤중에 뭐라도 먹으려고 해도 룸메이트 깰까 봐, 배가 고파 잠을 제대로 못 잤다고. 그때 천정에서 떨어지는 쥐벼룩에게 물린 곳을 긁는 게 더 급해서 힘든지도 몰랐나 봐. 다시 그때로 돌아간다면 단 한 시간도 살지 못할 거야. 두 남자도 문제였지만, 내가 어리석었지. 그 찌질한 삶을 겁도 없이 선택한 내 탓이지. 그래서 나는 나만을 위해서 살고 싶은 거야. 더는 누구를 위한 삶은 살지 않는다고~”

“고생한 마누라 하고 싶은 대로 할 수 있게 다 서포트 해줄게. 서울 가서 얼굴 보수공사하고 늘어진 팔뚝 살 잘라내고 푹 쉬었다가 올래?”
“그 먼 데를 어떻게 가. 비행기 타는 것이 제일 고역이야. 가까운 유럽에 가서 한 달 있다가 올래.”
“그건 위험해서 안 돼. 예전에 터키에 갔다가 얻어터지고 왔던 것 생각 안 나?”
“얻어터지고 객사하는 것으로 예전 억울한 기억을 없애는 것도 나쁘지는 않지. 와! 내가 왜 이 이야기를 신문에 쓰지 않았지? 신문에 써도 되지?”

“되고말고 마누라면 편해진다면 쓰고 싶은 거 다 써. 하지만 유럽에 혼자 가는 것은 위험해. 서울에나 갔다 와. 처진 얼굴 고치고 피부 갈아내고 나면 거울 들여다보느라 옛 기억 싹 없어질 거야.”
“아니, 근데 왜 나보고 얼굴 확 갈아엎으라는 말을 시도 때도 없이 하는 거야? 내 얼굴 보기가 그렇게도 역겨워?”
“그런 게 아니라 요즈음 다들 한다니까. 아직도 대학 시절 그 귀엽던 모습이 슬쩍슬쩍 보여서 나는 상관없지만, 마누라가 원하면 하라는 거야.”
“며칠 전, 나이 어린 친구들 만날 때 ‘나 얼굴 확 뜯어고칠까? 말까?’ 물었더니 3명 다 말리는 거야. 자기들 엄마가 귀대기 있는 곳을 잘라내고 실로 묶어 올렸는데 너무 아파서 혼났다네. 지금 다시 흘러내리는데 아픈 것 생각하면 두 번 다시 못 하겠다고 했데. 나보고 제발 얼굴 건드리지 말고 그냥 살라는 거야. 그냥 처진 얼굴로 유럽이나 한 달 혼자 갔다 올게. 말리지 마.” 

하도 열받쳐서 대낮부터 와인을 들이키고 창밖을 내다봤다. 비 오고 난 뒤 채 마르지도 않은 벚꽃이 빗물을 털며 나를 향해 배시시 웃는다.   

Why did you do that to me then?

“Why didn’t you even cook dinner when I left for work early in the morning and came back home after finishing work in the evening? You were just lazing around painting. Same with my roommate, two big men who wouldn't budge until the little woman on the way home from work and went grocery shopping in Chinatown to put food on the table. Back then, I thought that was how it was supposed to be and made dinner for you every day. It was almost 40 years ago, but I still get angry when I think about it. Do you remember? Weren't you too harsh on me?"

My husband, who had been quietly listening, didn't apologize but said,

“I remember it, and it was too much for you. You're the reason we're here today."

"You two just stared at me hungrily. Why didn't you help me to cook and put food on the table? When you guys saw the table I set up? 'It looks like a country meal.' you guys said. I was born in Namsandong, in the middle of Seoul, and had never cooked at my parents' house. How would I know how to make food? Why didn't you help and just complain? I didn't even know I had to slice the radish thinly and salt it beforehand. You guys said it was like chewing raw radish. I didn't know I had to remove the squid's eyes, peel it, and boil it. You complained about fishing squid out of the inky broth."

"At my parents' house, we always had snacks before bed. But there were no snacks, and even if I wanted to eat something late at night, I couldn't because I didn't want to wake the roommate. I couldn't sleep well because I was so hungry. Back then, I guess I didn't realize it was hard because I was more concerned about scratching the rat flea bites that fell from the ceiling. If I went back to that time, I wouldn't last an hour. You two men were a problem, but I was foolish. It was my fault for choosing that miserable life without fear. That's why I want to live for myself now. I won't live for anyone else anymore."

"I'll support you to do whatever you want since you went through so much. Do you want to go to Seoul and get some cosmetic surgery and take a good rest?"

"How can I go that far? Flying is the hardest part. How about going to Europe and staying for a month?"

"That's too dangerous. Don't you remember when you went to Turkey and you got beaten up?"

"Getting beaten up and dying abroad might erase those old unfair memories. Wow! Why didn't I write this story in the newspaper? Can I write it in the newspaper?"

“Of course. If it makes you feel better, write whatever you want. But going to Europe alone is too dangerous. You should go to Seoul. After you fix your sagging face and get your skin removed, you’ll forget all your old memories by looking in the mirror.”

“Why do you keep suggesting I get my face done? Is my face that unpleasant to look at?”

“It’s not that. Everyone does it these days. I still see glimpses of that cute college look, so I don’t mind, but if you want to.”

“A few days ago, I asked my younger friends, ‘Should I get my face done?’ All three of them said 'no'. They said their moms had surgery to lift their faces, but it was so painful they regretted it. Now their faces are sagging again, and they said they can’t do it again because they think about how much it hurts. They told me not to touch my face and just live as I am. I'll just go to Europe for a month alone with my face drooping. Don't stop me." 

I was so angry that I drank wine in broad daylight and looked out the window. The cherry blossoms, which hadn’t even dried after the rain, were shaking off the rainwater and smiling bashfully at me.