Out of sight, out of mind

One evening in mid-December two years ago, as it was getting dark, I received an email.
“I found your email address on Google. Do you remember me? I’m So-and-so, who went to Paris in 1978.”

How could I ever forget this friend? I had often searched for her name on Google, hoping to find a clue, but never did. I could only meet her in my dreams, missing her deeply.

Back in university, when most students were making friends and enjoying college life, I felt lost and alone. Then I met this friend, who was also alone like me. We became close, and soon another friend joined us. The three of us stuck together through all our school years. At the end of our final year, none of us had boyfriends. We often shared our worries and dreams about the future. One wanted to study in Paris, another wanted to get married, and I wanted to become a teacher. Surprisingly, all three of us made those dreams come true.

I still believe that dreams can come true if you work hard — because ours really did. So, when I received that email, I was truly happy.

I remembered walking home at night after drinking together — one friend had drunk too much and didn’t realize the heel of her high heel had broken off. She walked with a limp, laughing loudly. I also remembered how I used to feel a bit jealous of the other friend. Her mother always made her a new outfit whenever she went on a marriage date before graduation. I often looked at our old photos from school and missed those days.

The friend who rushed into marriage became a wealthy housewife. She looked at us with a face that seemed to say, “Are you two still acting like silly girls?” The friend who went to Paris and now lives in Amsterdam married a foreigner. It seemed life in Europe was hard for her, and she had changed, become a bit cold. I had also changed, maybe the most, after struggling through a tough life in New York.

Still, our conversation wasn’t awkward. But the warm, caring feelings we once had for each other were gone. Maybe because we all went too far in different directions? What we missed was not each other, but just the sweet memories from when we were young. We didn’t feel sad to say goodbye. We parted quickly, without promises to meet again.

They say when people are far apart, their hearts grow apart too. Those precious, youthful days have now quietly left me with a bitter feeling. I wonder... will we ever meet again?

겹사돈 환상

친구 부부와 우리 내외만 단출하게 앉아 술잔을 기울인다. 한때는 울창한 숲으로 둘러싸인 친구의 롱아일랜드 집 뒤뜰은 아이들의 웃음소리로 시끌벅적했었다,  그러나 지금은 아이들이 학교 마치고 직장 잡아 떠났다.

우리는 아들 둘, 이 집은 딸 둘. 갓난이 때부터 친하게 놀며 자랐다. 오랜 세월 함께 한 사이다.

엄마 아빠의 예쁜 점을 닮은 이 집 딸들이 점점 눈에 들어오기 시작했다. 아이들이 크면 우리 아이들의 파트너로 어떨까? 하는 마음이 움텄다.

친구 부부는 젊은 시절 음악 활동을 하다 만나 결혼한 사이다. 우리 남편은 평소 좀 팍팍한 집안 분위기에 음악 공부한 사람이 하나라도 있으면 하는 바람이다. 더구나 이 집 두 딸은 첼로 연주에 상당한 재능이 있다. 우아한 연주복을 입고 첼로를 끌어 앉고 찍은 사진에 눈길이 멈춘 남편의 모습이 기억난다. 서로가 정확히 어찌하자는 이야기는 없다. 지나가는 말로 넌지시 겹사돈 어쩌고 하니 친구도 선뜻 대답은 하지 않았지만, 굳이 반대하지도 않았다.

“등잔 밑이 어둡다고 멀리서 찾지 말고 엄마는 진이가 예쁜데 사귀어보지 않을래?” 

넌지시 친구 딸들 이야기를 아들에게 했다. 

“엄마는, 진이는 아기 때부터 봐서 친형제 같아 필(feel)이 없어요.” 

우리 아이들뿐만 아니라 친구 딸들도 

“말도 안 돼, 어떻게 친형제 같은데 사귀어?” 

한다는 것이 아닌가!

예상치 못했던 아이들의 반응에. ‘아이고 우리 며느릿감!’ 하면서 아이들 어릴 때부터 반기던 남편의 외침이 점점 잦아들었다. 아이들이 커가면서 바빠지자 함께 만날 기회가 좀처럼 없다. 부모인 우리가 맨해튼에서 만나자고 했다. 토요일 7시, 8명 예약이 쉽지 않았지만, 아이들이 알아서 예약하고 우리는 가자는 데로 따라다녔다.

두 가족이 모인 테이블에서 막걸리와 소주 칵테일, 입맛에 맞는 다양한 안주가 놓였다. 식사하며 정신없이 떠들고 있는 다 큰 아이들을 힐끔힐끔 바라보니 지나간 시간의 감회가 새롭다. 우리 넷이었던 세상에 없던 것들이 태어나고 자라서 다 컸다고 전화기 두들겨 가며 부모를 안내하며 데리고 다니니 이렇게 편하고 좋을 수가!

겹사돈을 맺지 않아도 이대로도 좋으니 각자 좋은 사람 만나 행복했으면 한다.

A fantasy of double in-law

We sat with just our couple and our close friends, quietly sharing drinks. Their backyard in Long Island used to be filled with the sound of children laughing, surrounded by thick trees. But now, their daughters have finished school and moved out for work — just like our sons.

We have two sons, and they have two daughters. Our kids grew up together, playing as babies and staying close as they grew. We've been friends for many years.

As time passed, I started to notice how lovely their daughters were — they had the best features from both their parents. I began to wonder: What if one of them ended up with one of our sons? Wouldn’t that be nice?

My friend and her husband met when they were young musicians, and later got married. My husband, who grew up in a rather strict family, always said he wished there were more people around who appreciated music. Their daughters are very talented cello players. I remember my husband pausing for a long time while looking at a photo of the girls in elegant concert dresses, holding their cellos.

No one ever said it out loud, but we dropped small hints. We joked about becoming double in-laws, and though our friends didn’t respond directly, they didn’t seem to oppose the idea either.

One day, I casually said to my son,

“Why look far away? I think Jin is lovely — why don’t you try going out with her?”

But he replied,

“Mom, I’ve known Jin since we were babies. She feels like a sister — there’s no ‘feel’ there.”

And it wasn’t just our sons — their daughters also said,

“No way! It’s like dating your own brother!”

We didn’t expect that kind of reaction. My husband, who used to happily call them “our future daughters-in-law!” when they were little, gradually stopped saying it. As the kids got older and busier, it became hard to get everyone together. So we, the parents, suggested meeting in Manhattan. The kids took care of the reservation — even though it wasn’t easy to book a table for eight on a Saturday night — and we simply followed them.

At the table, there was makgeolli, soju cocktails, and lots of delicious dishes. Watching the grown-up kids chatting and laughing, we couldn’t help but feel sentimental. Once, there were only the four of us parents. Now, these young adults — who didn’t even exist back then — are leading us around the city, using their phones to guide us. It was incredibly comfortable and heartwarming.

Even if we don’t become in-laws, this is good enough. I just hope each of them finds someone they love and lives a happy life.

원인 제공자

예전엔 툭하면 흰색 머리띠를 두르고 머리가 아프다던 할머니들이 주위에 많았다.

팔다리 굵기가 나의 두 배 그리고 나보다 엄청 더 드시고서도 밥맛이 없다는 시어머니가 LA에서 뉴욕을 방문하셨다. 오시는 날부터 머리가 아프다고 하셨다. 몇 날 며칠이 지나도 낫지 않았다. 퀸스에 있는 한인 약국에 모시고 갔다.

진통제를 주며 약사가 살짝 귀띔해 준다. 

"한국 시어머니들의 통상적인 엄살이니 걱정할 필요가 없어요."

‘뉴욕에서 큰 병 나시면 복잡해진다.’고 여정을 앞당겨 LA로 돌아가시게 했다.

93세인 시어머니가 또 뉴욕에 오시고 싶다는 것이 아닌가. 

“안 돼요. 먼젓번에 오셔서 하도 아프시다고 하셔서.” 

“내가 언제 아팠니? 나 아픈 데 없다.” 

“누가 모시고 오면 모를까 안 돼요.” 

결국, 시어머니는 뉴욕 오시는 것을 단념하셨다.

그래서였을까? ‘아이고! 빨리 죽어야 하는데.’로 레퍼토리를 바꿔 반복하며 자식들을 힘들게 한다. 시어머니에게 전화할 때마다 다 죽어가는 목소리다. 

“어머니 아프세요? 약 먹고 누우세요. 전화 끊을게요.”  

“아니다. 괜찮다.” 며 목청이 커지고 밝아진다.

그리고는 언제 그랬냐는 듯 ‘내 나이에 나만큼 아픈 데가 없는 사람도 없다.’며 신나서 수백 번도 더 들은 6.25 때 겪은 장면들을 낡은 비디오를 돌리듯 시작하신다.

“9.28 서울이 수복되던 날 서울역 앞 지하도에 인민군 시체가 꽉 들어차, 거기서 뿜어져 나오는 시신 썩는 냄새가…” 등등

“어머니 자꾸 아프다. 빨리 죽어야 한다.고 말하면 다들 전화도 하지 않고 싫어해요. 나이 드셨는데 젊었을 때처럼 건강하실 수는 없잖아요. 예전에 시할머니가 머리띠 두르고 아프다고 하시면 효자인 시아버지가 걱정하시고 어머니도 힘들어하셨잖아요”

셋째 아들 며느리가 바로 옆에 붙은 집에 모시고 살고 장남도 출근길에 매일 들여다볼 뿐만 아니라 큰 며느리는 다니던 직장 고만두고 어머니 시중든다. 게다가 생전에 돈 잘 버시던 아버님 연금 나오지. 효녀 막내딸에 남편이 의사인 큰딸이 가끔 수면제와 소소한 약을 가져다주는데 왜 빨리 죽어야 한다며 불면증과 우울증에 시달리는지. 멀리 살며 할 말 다하는 둘째 며느리인 내가 우울증과 불면증의 원인일까? 

"엄마는 걱정거리가 없는 것이 걱정이야."

남편은 말끝을 흐리기나 하고. 아무래도 둘째인 우리 부부가 원인 제공자인가보다.

Cause provider

I saw that there were a lot of grandmothers who used to wear white headband when they had a headache in the past.

My mother-in-law, who visited New York from LA, has twice the thickness of my arms and legs. She eats more than I do, but she says she has no taste. She had a headache from the day she came, after a few days, it was not better, and so I took her to a Korean pharmacy in Queens.

Pharmacist hinted gently say was that there is no need to worry seems to make a big fuss the usual patience of Korean mother-in-law. I have no choice but to say, "If you get serious ill in New York, it'll get complicated," and you have to get your journey back to LA.

My 93- year-old mother-in-law wants to come to New York again. "No way. You came here the other time and told me that you were sick." " When did I get sick? I do not remember and now I am fine." "You can’t come if you come with someone." Eventually, she gave up on coming to New York.

Is that why? “I have to die soon.” Every time I call her she says, “I have to die fast.” It makes me difficult. One day I told her “Are you sick? Please take a pill and lie down. I'll hang up the phone." No, It's okay, "the voice grows and bright.

“If you keep saying that you have to die quickly, no one even call and dislike you. You are old and you cannot be as healthy as you were when you were young. In the past, when your mother-in-law was sick with a headband, your husband and you worried and had a hard time.”

And as if it was when I said, “No one is as sick as I am at my age.” I begin to hear hundreds times of scenes from the Korean War as if she was spinning old videos. 9.28 On the day Seoul was restored, the basement of Seoul Station was packed with dead bodies of the North Korean people’s Army, and the smell of rotting bodies came out of it… and so on.

The third son and his wife live right next door to mother-in-law. The eldest son, as well as a look into the daily commute and his wife takes care of her. In addition, my father in-law, who was making good money in his life, comes out of his pension. Oldest daughter husband is a doctor, sometimes brings sleeping pills and medicines. The youngest daughter is a devoted to her mother. Why she suffers from insomnia and depression?

Am I the second daughter-in-law who lives far away and speaks whatever I want to, causing depression and insomnia? My husband often says, “Mother is worried that she does not have nothing to worries about. Maybe I am the cause provider?

빨간 여인

머리끝에서 발끝까지 빨간 여자가 천천히 걸어온다. 온통 붉은색이어서 그녀가 사라질 때까지 코너 다른 창가로 자리를 옮겨 내려다보지 않을 수 없었다.

빨간 모자에 외투 그리고 신발까지, 얼굴도 붉게 화장했다. 아침 내내 정성 들여 화장하고 나온 듯한 화사한 모습과는 달리 천천히 걷다가는 보행 보조기에 앉아 쉬곤 하는 것이 꽤 나이가 많은가 보다.

창틀에 기대어 하루에도 몇 번씩 지나가는 사람들을 내려다보는 것이 일과 중의 하나다. 길거리에 오가는 사람들을 보고 있노라면 나이, 세련됨, 수준을 알 수 있다고 감히 장담할 수는 없지만, 어느 정도는 알 수 있다.

비록 몸은 시원찮아 보행기에 의존했지만 우아함을 잃지 않으려는 듯 꼿꼿한 자세로 삶을 안이하게 포기하지 않은 모습에 안쓰러움을 넘어 존경스럽기까지 하다. 빨간색이 시야에서 서서히 사라질 때까지 창가에 매달려 있었다.

거울 앞으로 다가갔다. 몸매를 이리저리 살폈다. 뭐 아직은 부풀지도 않았고 다리 하나만은 건강하다. 머리를 쓸어 올리며 얼굴을 자세히 들여다봤다. 이 얼굴로는 아무리 꾸미고 가꿔도 안 되겠지? 처진 눈을 올려보고 얼굴을 양쪽으로 당기며 성형을 해? 말아? 아니야 그래 봐야 달라지는 건 없어 잘못하다간 돈 만 잃고 더 엉망이 될지도 몰라. 그래도 뭔가는 해야 하지 않을까? 빨간 할머니도 보행기에 의지해 앞으로 가고 있지 않은가. 멀쩡한 다리를 가진 내가 이대로 주저앉을 수는 없다.

언성을 높이고 화를 내며 남편에게 소리 지르는 나는 영락없는 싸움닭이다.

남의 험담을 하는 나는 심술 궂은 수다쟁이다.

배불리 먹고 난 후 탱탱한 배를 원망하는 나는 욕심쟁이 모습이다.

쇼핑할 때는 신나게 써대다 크레딧 카드빚 갚을 걱정하는 나는 영락 없이 쥐어짜 내팽개쳐진 걸레가 따로 없다.

적지 않은 시간을 작업에 몰두하고 난 후 나는 나만의 색깔을 가진 분위기 있는 여자로 태어난다.

Red woman

A red woman from her head to her feet is walking slowly. It was all red so I had to move to another window.

She put on a red hat, a coat and shoes, and her face was red. Unlike her brilliant figure, It is rather older to walk slowly and sit on a walking aid

Leaning against the windowsill, it is one of the routines to overlook people passing by several times a day. If I am looking at people coming and going on the streets, I will not dare to say that I can tell the age, sophistication, and level,

Even though the body of red woman depends on the walker, it does not seem to lose its elegance and does not give up its life easily. I was hanging from the windowsill until the red slowly disappeared from view.

I approached the mirror. I looked at my body around. Well, I haven’t yet inflated and legs are healthy. I swept my hair up and looked at my face carefully. Can’t I dress it with this face? Pull up my drooping eyes and pull my face to both sides. Do I get plastic surgery or not? No, no, it won’t make any difference. I will lose money and get worse.

But shouldn’t I do something? The red grandmother is also going forward on a walker. I cannot give up like this with good legs.

I am a fighting chick when I speaks raised my voice and screamed at my husband in anger.

I am a nasty talker when I gossip about a person

I am a greedy person when I grudge a tough belly after eating too much.

I am like a squeezed rag when I worry about paying back my credit card debt after shopping.

After devoting a lot of time to make art works, I am born as an atmospheric woman with my own color.