An envious friend

I do not care much about others, But I envy my friend to ride all over the U.S. with a RV

I gave up trying to say 'let’s get RV and go on a trip.’ Because it’s obvious that my husband is going to shout as follows "Are you haunted by a nomad ghost? Or what about all the crap you’re doing in New York? I'll buy one a RV, so get out of the house.” But I wanted to buy one right away when I heard that the RV campground is more of a place where natural scenery is better than a luxury hotel.

My friend’s husband works as a photographer with his camera around the world with RV. However, my husband, who is a ghost of the house, and the fine arts as a profession, he needs a lot of work items and a large working space. However, like the 19^th century French impressionist artist, it is not possible to go back to the days when used to draw their natural landscape on a canvas put on easel outdoors. 

Last summer my husband and I went to Nova Scotia on the eastern end of Canada. It was a fast way to go to route 95 north, but my husband, who does not listen to the navigator, wandered back and forth to route 87 north and could reach Belfast, ME by evening. Thanks to the nasty habits of my husband who does not make reservations, we stayed overnight at a campground full of RVs!

Unexpectedly, Belfast was a beautiful, secluded port where white yachts anchored. I went to the information center and asked where we would stay, but during the festival period, there are no vacancies within an hour. Cabin of the campsite was full. I was so lucky I parked my car at the campsite and stayed overnight. In front of the beach, where the RVs and tents lined up, would my friend stay in a similar place?

The owner of campsite must have felt sorry for the old couples, which have a white-haired to sleep in a car. He said, “there is a cabin that reservation has just been canceled, so let’s move it quickly.”

Early in the morning I watched the parked RVs walking on the beach. I saw a RV made of small, round stainless steel. I liked the appearance similar to the 1950s American car rolling in Havana, Cuba, which is booming nowadays. "I want to have this one." I turned my head to see my husband's reaction. Suddenly, he was walking far away in a sandy gravel field.

He is looking at the sea, which is as if he is thoughtful and firm. If I annoy his temper, I couldn’t even cross the Canadian border. I'd better keep my mouth shut.

빨래를 개면서

설거지하는 것을 좋아하는 사람이 있겠느냐마는 나는 음식 만들기도 싫어한다. 그러나 집안 정리정돈 하는 것은 즐긴다. 깔끔한 공간에 앉아 뽀송뽀송한 빨래 개는 것을 특히나 좋아한다.

포근한 빨래를 만지다 보면 마음이 따뜻해진다. 아이들 옷을 갤 때는 빠듯하게 살았던 지난날들이 떠오르고 남편 것은 남편대로 옛일에 젖어 든다.

동기동창인 남편과 함께 수업을 들으면서도 얼굴 한번 마주친 적이 없었다. 아마 다른 여자 동기생들도 마찬가지였겠지만 섣부른 어떤 인연도 만들고 싶지 않아 시선을 피했는지도 모른다. 엮이면 피곤하고 힘들어지는 가난한 미술 전공하는 남자와의 인연을 그 누가 엮이고 싶었겠는가!

지금도 엊그제 일처럼 기억이 선명한 장면, 70년대 초 봄날 야유회를 위해 청량리 역전에 모이기로 한 날 몇몇 여학생이 운전사 딸린 자가용으로 도착하는 모습에 평소에도 남학생들의 빈한한 표정들이 더욱 눈 둘 곳을 몰라 난감해했다. 그렇듯 여자 동기 대부분은 넉넉하고 인물들도 멀끔해 기다렸다는 듯이 졸업과 동시에 결혼을 서두르곤 했다. 그러나 난 몇 번 중매쟁이를 통해 선본 남자들의 지랄 같은 요구 조건에 질려 때려치우고 유학을 선택했다.

혼기 놓치고 이 커다란 미국 땅 뉴욕에서 수업 시간에 시선도 마주치지 않으려 했던 동기를 만날 줄이야. 그것도 선배의 소개로.

‘결혼해? 말아? 이번 기회를 놓치면 영영 못 하겠지? 결혼은 둘째치고 아이도 낳지 못하고 혼자서 늙어가겠지?’라는 생각이 들자 결혼하자고 적극성도 띠지 않는 남자에게 “결혼하자~” 고 했더니 ‘학교를 졸업하기 전에는 안된다.’는 것이 아닌가! 그도 그럴 것이 각자 등록금은 각자가 알아서 해결해야 그나마 없이 시작하는 살림에 보탬이 되겠다는 현실적인 공감대가 작용했다. 물론 졸업 후에도 미루는 것을 윽박지르다시피 시티홀로 끌고 가 겨우 결혼했다.

치사하지만, 그 당시 내가 눈 낮추고 자존심 버리고 고개 숙여 결혼했으니 그나마 어릴 적 별명이 감자인 남편 밑에, 도토리 같은 큰아들과 밤톨 같은 작은 놈이 태어날 수 있었다.

물론 난 외로움도 모르고 현실적인 인간이라 결혼 못 하고도 ‘무자식이 상팔자다.’라며 잘 살겠지만, 내 양손을 잡은 아이들과 맨해튼을 걸을 때면 ‘자존심 버릴 때 과감히 버렸더니 요 알밤 같은 놈들을 얻었지. 그렇지 않았으면, 자존심만 붙들고 살아가겠지?’ 하며 씩 웃는다. 그런 내 모습을 보고 “엄마 뭐가 그렇게 좋아요.” 하고 아이들이 묻는다. “그런 게 있어. 자슥들아.” 

Folding laundry

I don’t know anyone likes to wash the dishes, but I enjoy cleaning the house. I particularly love to sit in a neat space and fold dry laundry.

Touching warm clothes makes my heart warm. I get soaked in the old days when we lived tightly.  

I had never bumped into my husband who was in my classmate in Seoul Korea. Maybe it was the same thing with other female classmates. They did not want to make any kind of connection with male classmate. Who would have wanted to tie up a relationship with a poor art major man?  

The scene was still vivid as it was yesterday. When a few female classmates arrived in a car with a chauffeur at Cheongyang-ri for a spring picnic in the early 1970s, poor face of male classmates was perplexed. Most of my female classmates lived well and decent figures, so they were to rush to get married as soon as they graduated. However, several times through the matchmaker, I gave up my marriage and chose to study abroad because I was fed up with the requirements of prospective man.

I can’t believe I who missed a chance to marry met classmate men who I didn’t want to make any kind of connection, through the introduction of alumnus in big American land New York.

'Am I getting married or not? If I miss this opportunity, I won’t be abler to do it forever and won’t be able to bear children, and will grow old by myself. "When I thought that I asked a man who was not very aggressive about getting married “let's get married.” And he replied, "Not until you graduate from school." It is also a realistic consensus that each person should take care of his or her tuition fees and that it will be a contribution to the living that starts without any financial difficulties. Of course, it is a marriage that I dragged him to the city hall as soon as he put off postponing even after graduation.

Though he was mean, at that time I lowered my eyes and prided myself and got married, so I could have a young son like an acorn and a older son like a chestnut under my husband whose nickname was a potato.

Of course, I am a person who is a realist and don’t know about loneliness. Even though I cannot get married I would live well as saying 'little goods little care. But Whenever I walk in Manhattan with the sons holding my two-handed, I think that I threw my pride aside and got these precious sons. If not, I will live with only my pride. When they see my smile face, the children ask, "Mom, what is so good." "There is something. You guys."

뭘 더 바라겠는가

“바위 저쪽 해변으로 갈까? 저쪽이 더 좋을 것 같은데?” 

거대한 바윗돌로 둘러싸인 왼쪽 끝 해변으로 가자며 남편이 앞장섰다.

카리브 해 프랑스령의 세인트 바트 섬(St. Barts)의 셀 비치(shell beach), 모래사장이 온통 연한 파스텔 핑크색 작은 조개껍데기로 덮여있다. ‘바다에 미친 여자라는 소리를 듣다 보니 이렇게 희한한 곳까지 오다니!’ 감격에 빠져 있는데 뭘 더 좋은 곳을 보여주겠다고 바위를 넘어가자는 지.

친구와 둘이서 바위로 둘러싸인 해변에서 놀다가 밀물에 갇혀 친구는 죽고 주인공은 간신히 살아 평생 친구 죽음에 대한 죄의식으로 살아간다는 단편소설이 생각이 났다.

앞장선 사람을 잘못 따라갔다가는 성한 몸으로 집에 돌아가기는 힘들다. 한두 번이었던가? 먼젓번 여행에서도 산에 올라갔다가 온 길로 내려가기 싫다며 바로 옆길로 내려왔더니 산 반대 방향으로 내려와 고생하고서는.

멀리 있는 잔디가 더 푸르고 좋아 그곳으로 간다 한들 그 잔디가 그 잔디인걸. 남편을 따라가지 않고 조개껍질 위에 누워 하늘을 올려다봤다. 그 하늘이 그 하늘로 옛 생각에 빠져들었다.

그 옛날도 롱아일랜드 파이어 아일랜드에서 하늘을 올려다보고 있다가 시훤한 바람결에 스르르 잠이 깜빡 들었다. ‘아이가 물에 빠졌다.’는 웅성거림에 눈을 뜨니 다름 아닌 바닷물에 휩쓸려 가는 우리 아이를 라이프가이드가 건져내는 중이었다. 총알처럼 날아가 아이를 부둥켜안고 ‘아이고 내 새끼.’  

LA의 시집, 뒤뜰 야자수 그늘에 누워 있었다. 꽝하는 소리에 벌떡 일어나니 아이가 노는데 정신이 나가 다이빙을 너무 얕은 곳에서 하다가 머리를 수영장 바닥에 박는 소리였다. 몸이 튀듯이 날아 물속으로 첨벙, 아이를 부둥켜안고 게으르고 못난 어미의 잘못을 빌었다. 운이 나빴으면 아이는 몸져누워 있을 뻔했다. 자다가 그 생각이 나면 번쩍 눈을 뜨고 밤샘을 한다.

공부 잘해 명문대학, 돈 잘 버는 좋은 직장, 좋은 여자 만나 결혼 등등 다 제치고 건강하고 행복하게 자유로이 살고 싶은 곳에서 하고 싶은 일 하며 살아주는 것이 효도다. 뭘 더 바라겠는가!

What more could I wish for

"Shall we go to the beach over the rocks? I think that would be better." My husband told me and was leading the way to the beach on the far left, surrounded by giant rocks.

A shell beach of St. Barts in the Caribbean covered in light pastel pink small shells. What a strange place I came to when I heard that I am craze about the sea! I am in the thrill of seeing. What more would he like show me the better place that the beach beyond the rock?

I thought of a short novel in which a guy and his friend were playing on the beach surrounded by rocks, trapped in tide, and a friend dies and the main character barely survives and lives with guilt for his friend 's death for the rest of his life.

If you follow the person who lead you wrong, you can’t return home with your body intact. Was it once or twice? On a different trip, my husband and I went up the mountain and he did not want to go down the same road. We went down the side rode. But the place we reached was in the opposite direction of the mountain. How long have we suffered!

The farther the grass is greener and better, even if I am going there, it’s the just grass. Instead of following him him, I lay on the shell beach and looked up to the sky, I sank into the old memories.

In the old days, I looked up at the sky and then I was asleep in the calm wind in Long Island Fire Island. I woke up to the boggling 'A child fell into the water.' The life guide was trying to rescue a child, who was being swept away by the sea. It was my son. I flew like a bullet and hugged him and cried, "oh my son."

I was lying in the shade of a palm tree in the backyard of LA. When I jumped up at the sound of a loud bang, my son was so distracted by playing that he dived in such a shallow place before hitting his head to the bottom of the pool. My body flew and flashed into the water, hugging my child, begging for the fault of the mother who was lazy and helpless. If the luck were bad, the child would have been laid up. Even now, when I think of it, I open my eyes and stay up all night.

Their filial piety is to do what they want to do and live in a free and healthy and happy than by passing on prestigious university and get a good job to make lots of money. What more could I wish for.

산책은

 “나 걷기 시작한 지 3일 됐다. 매일 한 시간씩 걸으면 건강이 회복되겠지?” 

“회복식이나 악화하는 것을 늦춰줄 뿐이지.” 

“아무튼, 운동하면 건강해지잖아.” 

“몸도 건강해지지만, 정신이 건강해져요.”

“그래, 너는 오랫동안 걸었는데 뭐가 좋니?” 

언니와 전화 통화중 걸으면 좋다는 나의 구구절절한 수다가 끝없이 이어졌다.

친정아버지는 젊은 시절부터 걸으실 수 없을 때까지 이른 아침 매일 남산에 오르셨다. 산에 오르면서 결정해야 할 일을 생각하다 내려올 즈음엔 어떻게 일을 끝내야겠다는 계획을 세워 산에서 내려오곤 하셨단다. 눈비가 쏟아지는 굳은 날을 제외하고는 거의 50여 년을.

나도 마찬가지다. 예전엔 남편과 상의해야 할 일이나 걱정거리를 저녁 밥상머리에서 꺼내 남편의 심기를 건드렸다. 화가 난 남편은 밥 먹다 말고 밥맛 떨어진다며 먹던 그릇을 싱크대에 팽개치고는 획 나가곤 했다. 요즈음은 남편과 상의할 걱정거리가 생기면 일단 다음 날로 미룬다. 아침에 산책하며 남편의 표정을 살피며 살짝 꺼낸다. 그리고는 뒤처져 걷는다. 기분이 언짢아진 남편의 걸음걸이가 빨라지다 서서히 줄어들며 뒷모습이 심각해진다. 그리고는 뒤에 쳐져 따라오는 나를 기다린다. 어찌해야 할지를 찾아낸 듯 내 의견과 맞추어보려는 것이다. 나는 남편 옆에 바짝 다가서서 머리를 맞대고 다정히 걷는다.

갇힌 공간에서 결정내리는 것과는 달리 오픈된 자연 속에서 내려진 해결책은 좋은 결과를 초래할 확률이 높다. 특히 열이 많은 남편은 밀폐된 공간에서는 잠시도 못 견뎌 한다. 언젠가 한 번은 몇몇 지인들의 성화에 창문 하나 없는 시커먼 페인트로 도배한 노래방에 갔다가 잠시도 있지 못하고 ‘다들 돌았군. 돌았어’ 하며 뛰쳐나갔다. 그 이후론 노래방 근처는 얼씬도 하지 않는다.

산책은 건강뿐만이 아니라 문제 해결, 앞날의 계획 그리고 정신건강과 부부 사이를 좋게 한다. 맑은 공기를 마시며 자연 속에서 걷다 보면 자연의 한 모습이 되어 자잘한 우리네 삶의 걱정거리가 먼지만도 못해져서 인가보다.  

Taking walks

"It's been three days since I started walking. If I walk an hour each day, my health will be restored, right?" Walking is not only healthy for the body, but also for the mind, I replied.

"You’ve been walking for a long time, what do you like to exercise?" There was endless chatter that it would be nice to walk.

My father climbed mountain every morning from his youth until he was unable to walk. Think of a decision to make while climbing the mountain, by the time he came down, a plan was set up to finish the work. Almost fifty years, except for the snowy and rainy day.

In the past, I offended my husband by taking matters or concerns out of the dinner table. My angry husband threw the dish in the sink and goes out of his way.

But nowadays, I am the same as my father. If I have an issue to discuss with my husband, I will postpone it to the next day. I take a walk in the morning and bring up some question to discuss. Then I walk behind.

My husband's uneasy gait is accelerating, gradually diminishing, and the rear view becomes serious. Then he waits for me to follow. He will try to match my opinion as if he has found out what to do. I walk closely next him and walk together fondly.

Unlike from a confined space, a solution made in an open nature is more likely to produce good results. In particular, a heated husband cannot stand even in a closed space for a while. One day he once went to a karaoke room with a black paint with no window, and ran out in no time. Since then, he has not been karaoke.

Walking does not only improve health, but also resolves problems, plans ahead, and get along with couples.

When I walk in the nature with clear air, I become a figure of nature, and the worries of my life get smaller than a dust.